I try to stay two drinks ahead of reality and three behind a drunk

Lady bartenders live a tougher life than anybody knows.

Home is where you hang your hangover.

I had done either too much coke or too little, a constant problem in my life.

Consideration touches more deeply and longer than passion.

There's no accounting for laws. Or the changes wrought by men and time.

I have learned some things. Modern life is warfare without end: take no prisoners, leave no wounded, eat the dead--that's environmentally sound.

Youth endures all things, kings and poetry and love. Everything but time.

...the sun rose each morning to stare into my face with the blank but touching gaze of a lovely retarded child.

Maybe I will go to Paris. Who knows? But I’ll sure as hell never Go back to Texas again

The only person more cynical than a drunk is a reformed drunk.

Every wonderful quality "in" someone is waiting to be recognized in all of life's great symphony.

When angry, count four. When very angry, swear.

Science is a form of arrogance control.

The unluckiest insolvent in the world is the man whose expenditure is too great for his income of ideas.

Those who seek to profit by division don't stand a chance.

If you will tell me when God permits a Christian to lay aside his armour, I will tell you when Satan has left off temptation.

Is not this lily pure? What fuller can procure A white so perfect, spotless clear As in this flower doth appear?

Anything that can be dreamed is true.

There are worse addictions than reality TV, chocolate and coffee.

A good stand-up, you lead the audience. You don't kowtow to the audience. Sometimes the audience is wrong. I always think the audience is wrong.