I may not agree with what you have to say but I will fight you to the death for the right to fight you to the death.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

If I was a serial killer? How I would kill somebody? I'm actually a very compulsive person ... I'd chainsaw people.

When I first started, I wasn't really aware of anything in the industry or aware of who I really was. I just put my music out there and tried to get as many people to hear it as possible.

A writer falls in love with an idea and gets carried away.

What do we do with ourselves when we find we have failed to become the adults we dreamed as pious children?

Today there are no more irreconcilable enmities, because there are no more disinterested emotions: that's a good thing born from a bad thing.

If you're religious, it gives you a perspective.

Father says it will come in time. “Time heals,” he says. I don’t tell him that I don’t know what time is.

One cannot but mistrust a prospect of felicity: one must enjoy it before one can believe in it.

I used to be afraid of looking at the audience.

I'm a perfectionist about being on time.