I'm in love with a philosophy major, and she doesn't even know I exist. And what's worse, she can prove it.

I was high on life but eventually I built up a tolerance.

I'm not even worried about settling down. I think it's way too early. I'm 25 and I'm in show business. I mean, if things go well, my wife hasn't even been born yet.

I believe that if you go on a date and get to second base and then you go home alone and rub one out, that's like runs batted in.

I just got a new iPod. It's got 80 gigabytes. Because I like to jog for three weeks at a time and I do not want to hear the same song twice.

I deserve someone who likes me for who I am pretending to be.

A woman is a highly developed, deeply intelligent, infinitely complicated being. And it needs to be carefully tricked into doing things.

I quit because I'm so tired of hearing bad news about cigarettes... Even if they discover good news, they don't publicize it - like the fact that smoking seriously reduces the risk of jogging.

I'm trying to feel terrified and alone. And regret every decision I've ever made, drenched in a cold sweat. It's called going to sleep. Maybe you've heard of it.

I hate all generalisations.

I never smoke grass and drive my car because, for one thing, no matter how many letters I write to the road commissions, they still refuse to start designing highways with second-chance exits.

Enemies may unite to eliminate a common threat, but never without a wary eye fixed on their ally.

I've always been an optimistic guy, to tell you the truth.

It's going to be hard for someone like me to run for president.

When business accepts help from the government, it can be like going to bed with a hippopotamus. It's nice and warm for the moment, but then your bedmate rolls over and crushes you.

Most of the things I do are misunderstood. Hey, after all, being misunderstood is the fate of all true geniuses, is it not?

I always wanted to fire rays out of my fingertips.

So it won't be a surprise when the Greek default actually happens and we expect it one way or the other to be relatively soon.

Do not be wedded forever to fear, yoked eternally to brutishness.

So finally I came up with a thing that felt really pure, and I'm Christian, so when I hear about death I have a lot of hope because I believe in Jesus and life after death, and John 3:16.