I'm big on facial expressions, and I'm big on mannerisms, which I find to be hilarious.

I thought 'Pineapple Express' was hilarious.

Remember Tupperware? That was the toughest stuff ever. Why can't they make a phone out of Tupperware?

When you're babysitting a kid, all you're seeing is a version of them, a small dosage.

I am the comedy version of ambidextrous. I'm working with my left and right hand. I'm the two-sided coin. I'm all of those metaphors you can think of. I'm the interracial couple. I'm BET and CBS.

You're trying to make someone wet their pants and you're trying to make somebody crap in their pants. That's the motivation of a comic. Who else has that power?

All you wanna do in life is do what you do well. That's when you're happiest.

You know how you put peanut butter on a piece of bread and the bread falls - it never falls on the bread side down, it always falls peanut butter side down. That's because of gravity.

You ever taste some damn chicken so horrible, that you wished the chicken would show up at your house and show your lady how to cook him?

Man, you can come see me six or seven times in a row and you'll never see the same show twice, because I don't like to be robotic onstage. I like to perform for that particular audience.

This Italian restaurant I'm at is authentic! When they seat you, they give you a mustache.

Women are delicate creatures. Fragile. Gentle. Made by God to be sheltered from the harshness of this world..Morgan MacDonnell

Life is about cherishing memories, getting lost in moments of beauty, and enjoying profound joy and happiness.

Time cools time clarifies no mood can be maintained quite unaltered through the course of hours.

I guess I am attracted to older women. I'm looking for a 40-something who has had her heart broken two or three hundred times. She's going to be fun!

Her coming was my hope each day, Her parting was my pain; The chance that did her steps delay Was ice in every vein.

My mom always says, 'If you don't believe in something, you'll lose yourself completely.'

Divide the fire, and you will the sooner put it out.

There is no detraction worse than to overpraise a man, for if his worth proves short of what report doth speak of him, his own actions are ever giving the lie to his honor.

I'd forgotten how that sort of craving felt, how it rose suddenly and loudly from the pit of my stomach like a flock of startle birds, then floated back down in the slow, beguiling way of feathers.

To question me onceis a simple mistake, Lieutenant. Twice is treason. We execute traitors.-Kahlan