I'm afraid one thing - I don't like heights. Heights bug me out. I'm not cool with heights. I refuse to do a comedy show 12 stories up. I'm fearless about everything else.

I thought 'Pineapple Express' was hilarious.

Remember Tupperware? That was the toughest stuff ever. Why can't they make a phone out of Tupperware?

When you're babysitting a kid, all you're seeing is a version of them, a small dosage.

I am the comedy version of ambidextrous. I'm working with my left and right hand. I'm the two-sided coin. I'm all of those metaphors you can think of. I'm the interracial couple. I'm BET and CBS.

You're trying to make someone wet their pants and you're trying to make somebody crap in their pants. That's the motivation of a comic. Who else has that power?

All you wanna do in life is do what you do well. That's when you're happiest.

You know how you put peanut butter on a piece of bread and the bread falls - it never falls on the bread side down, it always falls peanut butter side down. That's because of gravity.

You ever taste some damn chicken so horrible, that you wished the chicken would show up at your house and show your lady how to cook him?

Man, you can come see me six or seven times in a row and you'll never see the same show twice, because I don't like to be robotic onstage. I like to perform for that particular audience.

This Italian restaurant I'm at is authentic! When they seat you, they give you a mustache.

When I took the pills, I wanted to kill someone I hated. I didn't know that other Veronikas existed inside me, Veronikas that I could love.

The blossom is blighted, the leaf is withered, the God of day goes down upon the dreary scene, and in short you are for ever floored.

Life is before you,- not earthly life alone, but life- a thread running interminably through the warp of eternity.

A kid grows up a lot faster on the golf course. Golf teaches you how to behave.

Once you're dead, you're made for life.

to maintain success, stamina is more important than talent. You have to learn to be a marathon runner.

To be abandoned like that! Shut out when you most need to be loved.

Liberalism must be intolerant of every sort of intolerance.

The west was involved in toppling the Mossadegh government. That ultimately led to the Iranian revolution.

So bitcoin is cyber snob currency.