I'm a comic because I don't want to do the nine-to-five, I have to modify that and say I'm a comic because I have an inability to do a nine-to-five.

If it has to sell its mascot, your team sucks.

Fantasy football is not only a good thing, but a great thing.

If it doesn't know what to charge you for nosebleed seats, your team sucks.

What bothers me most about today is that we're getting used 2 it. ENOUGH. 2nd amendment must go. Violence has 2 stop. Culture MUST change.

You know how to tell if the teacher is hung over? Movie Day.

When human beings stop progressing at an endeavor, they stop enjoying it and move on to something else. Not golfers. Masochists, all of them.

I think golf is a waste of time and a waste of a sunny afternoon. I also stink at it. I have never found anything, including divorce and a sexual harassment suit, more frustrating.

If a waiter or waitress tells me when gratuity is included they automatically get more gratuity. When they hide it I go with the leg kick.

I miss third grade because you could kill people in dodgeball. Remember the rules to dodgeball? If you're fat or have glasses, don't show up because you'll die.

Why are baseball managers the only coaches who dress up like the players?

No matter what I accomplish, it doesn't seem like much compared to surviving Auschwitz.

Never forget that it is the spirit with which you endow your work that makes it useful or futile.

New ideas in technology are literally a dime-a-dozen, or cheaper than that

Whatever anybody says or does, assume positive intent. You will be amazed at how your whole approach to a person or problem becomes very different.

The way I work, the interview never becomes larger than the person being interviewed.

I've never heard a song written from a stepmother's point of view, about their family.

Sincerity: willingness to spend one's own money.

This lake exceeds anything I ever beheld in beauty.

When people fall in deep distress, their native sense departs.

The pressure never lets up. Doesn't matter what you did yesterday. . . Lord, baseball is a worrying thing.