I know I'm getting older because yesterday I called the police on my neighbors.

We have chemical weapons in America too, they're called meth and cocaine.

You write some material, go up on stage and try it out; go back home and throw it in the trash can. And the next day do it again.

The police pulled me over and asked me if I have anything illegal in my car. I looked at my cousin and I ran.

I better start doing stand up comedy in Spanish before every comedian in Mexico translates my jokes.

I gotta lose weight. I got stretch marks on my stomach and I never had a baby. So now when I take off my shirt in front of women, I tell them I was attacked by a mountain lion.

Rich people bring a lawyer. Latinos and blacks bring their mom.

I like to watch French movies with the volume up so my neighbors could think I'm terrorist.

My mom cooked the same food every day - tortillas, beans and meat. If it was enchiladas, it was - tortillas, beans and meat. If it was burritos, it was still - tortillas, beans and meat.

The war in Iraq is still going on. The British are helping. Mexico wants to help, but they need a ride over there.

I envy people who could just have one drink and not go look for cocaine afterwards.

Science Non Fiction/ Fantasy = Future

Everything that I'm saying You can say it just as good

I just downloaded the new Alvin and the Chipmunks album! They're the only guys that make music in my key!

Dancing, singing, storytelling and silence are the four universal healing salves.

One day you're in. The next day you're out.

Courage is the power of the mind to overcome fear.

It is not enough to show people how to live better; there is a mandate for any group with enormous powers of communication to show people how to be better.

Seeing me before him, / The adversary attacks, / But by that time / I am already standing / Safely behind him.

I haven't decided when I'll get married.

We approach the divine by enlarging our souls and lighting up our brains.