I had to watch the Republican stuff which makes me feel even older than I am. By the time I get through the Democrats, I may be dead. I don't know how much older I can get.

All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.

MTV is to music as KFC is to chicken!

I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake.

There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice.

Donald Trump came out as a birther, which is Republican for, 'I'm running for president.'

Elected officials shouldn’t get to choose who gets to choose elected officials.

If a group of people - leaders - can convince a group of folk who barely have a pot to piss in that the rich shouldn't be taxed-- THAT is leadership!

When it comes to idiots, America's got more than its fair share. If idiots were energy, it would be a source that would never run out.

You can never put too much pork in your mouth as far as I'm concerned.

What I find most disturbing about Valentine's Day is, look, I get that you have to have a holiday of love, but in the height of flu season, it makes no sense.

This was the simple happiness of complete harmony with her surroundings, the happiness that asks for nothing, that just accepts, just breathes, just is.

There are no good girls gone wrong - just bad girls found out.

And how shall you punish those whose remorse is already greater than their misdeeds?

It's very hard to write humor.

It is worse to apprehend than to suffer.

Discovery is exciting, no matter how big or small or close or distant.

When we are understood, we always speak well, and then all your fine diction serves no purpose.

There's you. There's me. We love each other, and we have since we were kids, so we should be together. The end.

A lot of the hip hop artists don't write music. They write words.

An hereditary aristocracy... will change the form of our governments from the best to the worst in the world.