I don't believe Spiro Agnew is a crook. If he was a crook, he'd still be in office.

If we don't change direction soon, we'll end up where we're going.

Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest.

Without this great land of ours, we would all drown.

Why do I wear tennis shoes? That's two questions. Do I wear tennis shoes? The answer to that question is, "Yes." "Why?" That's a question philosophers have been pondering for centuries.

Remember, "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.

Today we must all be aware that protocol takes precedence over procedure.

When your IQ rises to 28, sell.

It's best to make your peace with change, before it makes pieces of you.

Beauty is in the behind of the beholder!

Borrow from your friends, and when they ain't got any more money, make new friends.

Someday, I plan to buy a house in Goa, do only one movie a year, and spend the rest of time painting, learning how to cook, cooking for friends, and doing yoga.

The last day of your life is still going to be a day.

...to kill animals for the purpose of feeding on their flesh is one of the most deplorable and shameful infirmities of the human state

After endless days of commuting on the freeway to an antiseptic, sealed-window office, there is a great urge to backpack in the woods and build a fire.

If you're going into stand-up, you're hyper-analyzing the world and asking as many questions about a thing as you possibly can so you can figure out the ultimate nature of that thing.

When my son came into my life, my priorities changed, because I wanted to have the relationship with him, that I didn't have with my father.

Our work is connected to much larger structures and systems that can be influenced and changed to align with God's intention to bring order and fruitfulness into the world.

And I urge upon you this - which I think is wisdom - if you find you can't make seventy by any but an uncomfortable road, don't you go.

I grew up with the idea that once you found yourself with your clothes, why change?

Lets build a monument for the veto. Lets build a monument for impotence and incapacity.