I do think that stand-up comedy in general heavily favors masculinity and so I like to act a little feminine onstage.

Quotes are for dumb people who can't think of something intelligent to say on their own.

Once a week, I like to slip into a deep existential depression where I lose all my sense of oneness and self-worth.

I love you just the way you are but you don't see you like I do. You shouldn't try so hard to be perfect. Trust me, perfect should try to be you.

I saw a giraffe with a short neck That was sad Or a deer

If Jesus can walk on water, can he swim on land?

Laughter is the best medicine, y'know, besides medicine.

Squaring numbers are just like women. If they're under thirteen, just do them in your head.

If I had a dime for every time a homeless guy asked me for change, I'd still say no.

I stopped and I thought, 'What would Jesus do?' So I didn't exist.

Maybe life on earth could be heaven, doesn't just the thought of it make it worth a try?

The materials are mostly from living beings - living human beings. They need to be alive to extract the necessary materials.

I believe we are solely responsible for our choices and we have to accept the consequences of every deed word and thought throughout our lifetime.

The development of science is basically a social phenomenon, dependent on hard work and mutual support of many scientists and on the societies in which they live.

The problem with waiting until tomorrow is that when it finally arrives, it is called today.

We believe that war is an inevitable consequence of the current global economic situation.

I don't think I have ever met a single person who isn't moved by music of some kind.

In our final moments we all realize that relationships are what life is all about. Wisdom is learning that truth sooner rather than later.

I look at my older writing to see where my weaknesses are and then I try to address those weaknesses and make new mistakes.

What is it about a zombie that appeals to me? I don't know. Maybe that it's just the most possible - I don't know - of all the supernatural entities.

If you put me in South Park, that audience is going to fall asleep in five minutes.