I do actually use a boxing trainer when I train for stand-up.

When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don't get to decide that you didn't.

The greatest thing about having a child is putting yourself second in your own life. It's a massive gift to be able to say you're not the most important person to yourself.

I don't stop eating when I'm full. The meal isn't over when I'm full. It's over when I hate myself.

I have a lot of beliefs... and I live by none of them...

My kids used to love math. Now it makes them cry. Thanks standardized testing and common core!

When you have bacon in your mouth, it doesn't matter who's president.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime. Leave the dude alone and he'll figure it out.

Everything is amazing and nobody is happy

What happens after you die? Lot's of things happen after you die - they just don't involve you

One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December.

When people try to bury you, remind yourself you are a seed.

Be open to the realization that who you were before and who you are now are two different people, and that what may have made you happy then, may not be the same thing that will make you happy now.

The strongest wind cannot stagger a Spirit; it is a Spirit's breath. A just man's purpose cannot be split on any Grampus or material rock, but itself will split rocks till it succeeds.

Hush! Take no notice!" - Gandalf

Dogs have owners, cats have staff.

There is a banking adage that if it's growing like a weed, it's a good chance that it's a weed.

A point of view can be a dangerous luxury when substituted for insight and understanding.

God does not care If I am bad or good- He wants my love, Not my sainthood.

Democracy is, by the nature of it, a self-canceling business: and gives in the long run a net result of zero.

Some by experience find those words mis-placed: At leisure married, they repent in haste.