I didn't know how to grab your best material and put it together into a comedy set. I would just choose subjects and do it onstage. That's what I learned. I didn't know how to put a set together.

We have chemical weapons in America too, they're called meth and cocaine.

You write some material, go up on stage and try it out; go back home and throw it in the trash can. And the next day do it again.

The police pulled me over and asked me if I have anything illegal in my car. I looked at my cousin and I ran.

I better start doing stand up comedy in Spanish before every comedian in Mexico translates my jokes.

I gotta lose weight. I got stretch marks on my stomach and I never had a baby. So now when I take off my shirt in front of women, I tell them I was attacked by a mountain lion.

Rich people bring a lawyer. Latinos and blacks bring their mom.

I like to watch French movies with the volume up so my neighbors could think I'm terrorist.

My mom cooked the same food every day - tortillas, beans and meat. If it was enchiladas, it was - tortillas, beans and meat. If it was burritos, it was still - tortillas, beans and meat.

The war in Iraq is still going on. The British are helping. Mexico wants to help, but they need a ride over there.

I envy people who could just have one drink and not go look for cocaine afterwards.

Providence is wiser than you, and you may be confident it has suited all things better to your eternal good than you could do had you been left to your own option.

God is Maker of heaven and earth.

Enriched vocabularies someone had (and used) are produced by a boundless wondrous mind. Sometime with a non mediocre experience also.

We can’t hate ourselves into a version of ourselves we can love.

The best revenge is a life well lived.

Nuthin' can avoid this shot 'cause it's hittin' It's so cool when you touch it, wear a mitten

Never fall in love?" "Always," said the count. "I am always in love.

I'm not the type to lay out on the beach, but I do love to work out outside, and that can really take a toll on your skin!

It'd be the thrill of anyone's bull riding career to ride Red Rock. Like when Freckles Brown rode Tornado.

Justice is restoring order, not furthering chaos.