God is a great humorist. He just has a slow audience to work with.

Welcome to Lake Wobegon, where all the women are strong, all the men are good-looking, and all the children are above average.

Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car.

It was luxuries like air conditioning that brought down the Roman Empire. With air conditioning their windows were shut, they couldn't hear the barbarians coming.

Even in a time of elephantine vanity and greed, one never has to look far to see the campfires of gentle people.

A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.

Thank you, God, for this good life and forgive us if we do not love it enough.

The highlight of my childhood was making my brother laugh so hard that food came out of his nose.

Be well, do good work, and keep in touch.

Sometimes there is nothing you can do, and in those times, you must do something anyway.

Beauty isn't worth thinking about; what's important is your mind. You don't want a fifty-dollar haircut on a fifty-cent head. ~Garrison Keillor

Tram’s road is predetermined, but not yours! You are not a tram, you can choose your path

Father reading report card: One thing in your favor - with these grades you couldn't possibly be cheating.

I don't have to have faith, I have experience.

Taboos are falling across our culture like dominoes. What was unspeakable yesterday dominates talk shows today.

None is a fool always, everyone sometimes.

The greatest of men, they don't get too big to cry. They just loose faith in love and life.

Nonsmokers should be banned from buying any product a smoker created.

I'm retiring the Mos Def name after 2011. I'm actually doing it.

You must endure, and not cry out against that which cannot be avoided.

The difficulty is that we try to perfect others before we perfect ourselves.