Give guilt - the gift that lasts forever.

Welcome to Lake Wobegon, where all the women are strong, all the men are good-looking, and all the children are above average.

Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car.

It was luxuries like air conditioning that brought down the Roman Empire. With air conditioning their windows were shut, they couldn't hear the barbarians coming.

Even in a time of elephantine vanity and greed, one never has to look far to see the campfires of gentle people.

A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.

Thank you, God, for this good life and forgive us if we do not love it enough.

The highlight of my childhood was making my brother laugh so hard that food came out of his nose.

Be well, do good work, and keep in touch.

Sometimes there is nothing you can do, and in those times, you must do something anyway.

Beauty isn't worth thinking about; what's important is your mind. You don't want a fifty-dollar haircut on a fifty-cent head. ~Garrison Keillor

If everyone knew exactly what I was going to say, then there would be no point in my saying it, would there?

When you have something good to say, say it. When you have something ill to say, say something else.

I detest professional anythings but particularly professional writers. Most of them today are just garbage collectors.

Let us clear a little space, And make Love a burial-place. He is dead, dear, as you see, And he wearies you and me.

Chocolate doesn't solve everything, Nana." "It solves a whole heck of a lot, though.

Life is something that everyone should try at least once.

Nobility of birth is like a cipher; it has no power in itself, like wealth or talent; but, it tells with all the power of a cipher when added to either of the other two.

A dog is a bond between strangers.

Everything I needed was in my car, even the chickens

Rock n' roll is dream soup, what's your brand?