For some comedians it feels so cool to be like: 'I'll say anything, man!'. I'm not quite there yet.

Quotes are for dumb people who can't think of something intelligent to say on their own.

Once a week, I like to slip into a deep existential depression where I lose all my sense of oneness and self-worth.

I love you just the way you are but you don't see you like I do. You shouldn't try so hard to be perfect. Trust me, perfect should try to be you.

I saw a giraffe with a short neck That was sad Or a deer

If Jesus can walk on water, can he swim on land?

Laughter is the best medicine, y'know, besides medicine.

Squaring numbers are just like women. If they're under thirteen, just do them in your head.

If I had a dime for every time a homeless guy asked me for change, I'd still say no.

I stopped and I thought, 'What would Jesus do?' So I didn't exist.

Maybe life on earth could be heaven, doesn't just the thought of it make it worth a try?

Occasionally he stumbled over the truth, but hastily picked himself up and hurried on as if nothing had happened.

Good influences are positive, and they see the good in even bad situations.

All politicians are said to be thieves but all thieves are not politicians which implies that some thieves do have a conscience.

One constant among the elements of 1914—as of any era—was the disposition of everyone on all sides not to prepare for the harder alternative, not to act upon what they suspected to be true.

Just because you did not understand us, it did not mean we were wrong.

Detroit, my 'great' subject, made me the person I am, consequently the writer I am - for better or worse.

Technology alone isn't enough. To really get the money shots, it's down to being in the right place at the right time.

Knowledge, whatever the form, could be as effective as a weapon.

There are two classes of men; those who are content to yield to circumstances and who play whist; those who aim to control circumstances, and who play Chess

People get way too much credit at funerals.