For me, standup will always be some part of my life, and other things will move around and find their place.

I thought 'Pineapple Express' was hilarious.

Remember Tupperware? That was the toughest stuff ever. Why can't they make a phone out of Tupperware?

When you're babysitting a kid, all you're seeing is a version of them, a small dosage.

I am the comedy version of ambidextrous. I'm working with my left and right hand. I'm the two-sided coin. I'm all of those metaphors you can think of. I'm the interracial couple. I'm BET and CBS.

You're trying to make someone wet their pants and you're trying to make somebody crap in their pants. That's the motivation of a comic. Who else has that power?

All you wanna do in life is do what you do well. That's when you're happiest.

You know how you put peanut butter on a piece of bread and the bread falls - it never falls on the bread side down, it always falls peanut butter side down. That's because of gravity.

You ever taste some damn chicken so horrible, that you wished the chicken would show up at your house and show your lady how to cook him?

Man, you can come see me six or seven times in a row and you'll never see the same show twice, because I don't like to be robotic onstage. I like to perform for that particular audience.

This Italian restaurant I'm at is authentic! When they seat you, they give you a mustache.

How prone to doubt, how cautious are the wise!

Why does watching a dog be a dog fill one with happiness?

When a person doesn't have gratitude, something is missing in his or her humanity.

I create opportunities.

We must now brace ourselves for disquisitions on peer pressure, adolescent anomie, and rage.

The election is in full-swing. Republicans have taken out round-the-clock ads promoting George Bush. Don't we already have that? It's called Fox News.

I will be asking for forgiveness, but hopefully I won't have to be asking for much forgiveness.

No wise combatant underestimates their antagonist.

All human advances occur in the outlaw area.

The mass of the citizens is the safest depositary of their own rights.