Every man wants a woman to appeal to his better side, his nobler instincts, and his higher nature - and another woman to help him forget them.

A wise woman puts a grain of sugar into everything she says to a man, and takes a grain of salt with everything he says to her.

Life begins at 40 - but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.

Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won't even lay down his newspaper to talk to you.

Love, like a chicken salad or restaurant hash, must be taken with blind faith or it loses its flavor.

Marriage is like twirling a baton, turning hand springs or eating with chopsticks. It looks easy until you try it.

A man never knows how to say goodbye; a woman never knows when to say it.

A bride at her second marriage does not wear a veil. She wants to see what she is getting.

A good woman inspires a man, a brilliant woman interests him, a beautiful woman fascinates him, but a sympathetic woman gets him.

Wedding: the point at which a man stops toasting a woman and begins roasting her.

The chief excitement in a woman's life is spotting women who are fatter than she is.

Even now, years later, it's hard to tell why the government stood by and let the city of New Orleans be destroyed, dispatching troops rather than help.

Honesty. Sobriety. My virginity. No way to regain the first two, I almost gave away the last.

When a falsehood is coveted long enough, it becomes the truth that sustains its own existence.

Two people can form a community by excluding a third.

I see fighters make funny videos about me and stick them on Facebook and get 20 likes. When I make a video, I sell it to Fox and make seven figures. That's the difference.

Soon, nostalgia will be another name for Europe.

I don't know what Art is but I know some things it isn't when I see them.

I just love variety. I love being able to do different things. Do period pieces and sci-fi. I love being able to move between genres and be flexible.

In the end, dear friend, it is always between us and God, not between us and them.

Behold, my friends, the spring is come; the earth has gladly received the embraces of the sun, and we shall soon see the results of their love!