Doing stand-up comedy is in the middle of a traffic jam getting everybody moving again.

You can truly grieve for every officer who's been lost in the line of duty in this country, and still be troubled by cases of police overreach.

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it!

We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There's just one problem - it's in North Korea.

Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.

I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food.

Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.

I really like to put my name on everything, so my roommate doesn't steal it. It's really a throwback to that.

I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over.

If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you don't have a regime.

Take time daily to reflect on how much you have. It may not be all that you want but remember someone somewhere is dreaming of what you own.

In every action we must look beyond the action at our past, present and future state, and at others whom it affects, and see the relations of all these things.

I don't care what's probable. Through blood, sweat, and tears, I am unstoppable.

If common sense has not the brilliancy of the sun, it has the fixity of the stars

If you are sick, fast and pray; if the language is hard to learn, fast and pray; if the people will not hear you, fast and pray, if you have nothing to eat, fast and pray.

The Church is not a fast food outlet. We can't always have it our way. Some day every knee shall bow and every tongue confess that Jesus is the Christ, and that salvation can only come His way.

Faith is the evidence of divine adoption.

For gold the hireling judge distorts the laws.

A mission which becomes a commercial concern may end by ceasing to be a mission