Dear God, I understand that if I fail to believe in you, I'll burn in hell for eternity. Thanks for being such a good sport about it.

Be sure to lie to your kids about the benevolent, all-seeing Santa Claus. It will prepare them for an adulthood of believing in God.

Statistically speaking, there is a 65 percent chance that the love of your life is having an affair. Be very suspicious.

A true friend is a gift from God. Since God doesn't exist, guess what? Neither do true friends.

If your workplace was somehow transplanted into the jungle and everyone was forced to survive at a very primitive level, it's safe to say that eventually your boss would rape you.

Your pet is not your friend. It is your hostage.

You have sexual tendencies that are not normal, and you should be ashamed of them.

I respect your right to hold your religious beliefs, and if they help you, I think that's great. I would, however, like to inform you that you are a raving kook.

That special bond you think you have with your pet is imaginary. As long as it has food and water, you could get hit by a train tomorrow, and your pet wouldn't think anything of it.

For once, the tears wouldn't come. She saw that Michael might have been right. It really could be too cold to snow.

I plead for leniency. I understand that the road to redemption is going to be long for me.

It has nothing to do with commercial success. You cannot calculate in your head how to put the mosaic together to make a commercial film: that's out of the question.

The best songs are the ones about Georgia, even though I've never been there. It's the only place I still believe in Jesus.

It's time we admitted that there's more to life than money, and it's time we focused not just on GDP, but on GWB - general well-being.

I mean, a new dress doesn't get you anywhere; it's the life you're living in the dress.

What we have is two important values in conflict: freedom of speech and our desire for healthy campaigns in a healthy democracy. You can't have both.

I'm always attracted by people who are lost in their time. I think it helps us.

I'm happy that I get to work with people that I enjoy being around. It's really cool when people understand and want to help your vision and are like rooting for you. I just, I love them a lot.

You want to know how Egyptians pulled the brains out of mummies. or built the pyramids, or cursed King Tut's tomb? My dad's your man.