Apparently President Obama's favorite cocktail is a martini. When asked how he likes it, he said, 'On the beach, in Hawaii, in 2017.'

Don't keep reaching for the stars because you'll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason.

Thank you, people who say 'Wow, you're really photogenic,' for not saying what you really mean: 'Wow, you're really ugly in person.'

Thank you... fantasy football draft, for letting me know that even in my fantasies, I am bad at sports.

In New York, there are so many potholes, they're like craters on the moon. That's another traffic thing.

The man who invented Doritos has passed away at the age of 97. He asked to be buried with the creator of Fritos and Cheetos in a variety pack.

I just really don't like being the center of attention that much. It's kind of ironic.

If you're a sports fan you realize that when you meet somebody, like a girlfriend, they kind of have to root for your team. They don't have a choice.

I know what you want. And I know what you need. But I'm gonna screw it up, yeah, cause I'm an idiot. And I'm your boyfriend.

Researches at Yale found a connection between brain cancer and work environment. The No. 1 most dangerous job for developing brain cancer? Plutonium hat model.

I don't shoot guns. I don't know how to do that. I grew Upstate New York, so I fought with my fists.

Why should there be some sort of virtue always attributed to a frank admission of vice?

I travel the world, and I can see in Toronto the cooking is very personal. These people cook with their hearts.

Trust me-that toilet and me were best friends for the first few days I was here.

I just remind myself that the gifts I have, I've been given for a reason and that every day brings new opportunities to use them.

The glory of my name increases my shame. Less known by mortals, I could better escape their eyes.

I'm not competing with anyone, or begging someone to love me. I feel like I'm loved and I deserve to be where I am.

There are people who would love to spend their last ten years, or five years, or whatever it is, on the surface of Mars.

I'm not trying to climb a ladder - I'm casting a bit of a net.

Anxiety, the illness of our time, comes primarily from our inability to dwell in the present moment.

If men live decently it is because discipline saves their very lives for them.