In New York, there are so many potholes, they're like craters on the moon. That's another traffic thing.

Don't keep reaching for the stars because you'll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason.

Thank you, people who say 'Wow, you're really photogenic,' for not saying what you really mean: 'Wow, you're really ugly in person.'

Thank you... fantasy football draft, for letting me know that even in my fantasies, I am bad at sports.

The man who invented Doritos has passed away at the age of 97. He asked to be buried with the creator of Fritos and Cheetos in a variety pack.

I just really don't like being the center of attention that much. It's kind of ironic.

If you're a sports fan you realize that when you meet somebody, like a girlfriend, they kind of have to root for your team. They don't have a choice.

I know what you want. And I know what you need. But I'm gonna screw it up, yeah, cause I'm an idiot. And I'm your boyfriend.

Researches at Yale found a connection between brain cancer and work environment. The No. 1 most dangerous job for developing brain cancer? Plutonium hat model.

I don't shoot guns. I don't know how to do that. I grew Upstate New York, so I fought with my fists.

I, of course, wanted to do something with Drew Barrymore. Please. So we were reading scripts back and forth and then we found this script, Fever Pitch...

It is harder, usually, to find a person who wants to walk the streets of me, to taste the teas of my country, to... immigrate, you could say.

Ordinary people can do extra ordinary things when they create opportunity towards their passion

I’m a Brooklyn guy onstage, and I try to really feed my fans with the kind of material they expect from me.

You're terrific as far as I am concerned.

Life in itself / Is nothing, / An empty cup, a flight of uncarpeted stairs. / It is not enough that yearly, down this hill, / April / Comes like an idiot, babbling and strewing flowers.

Cassandra,” he said, “I hope you know that poaching Muppets is illegal in this country.

Everything is falling together perfectly, even though it looks as if some things are falling apart. Trust in the process you are now experiencing.

There are a bunch of people who are never going to be for Trump. Most Democrats, polls show, will never be for Trump.

If we have a thousand bamboo spears, there's nothing to worry about a war with the Soviet Union.

What a ready passport wealth gives its possessor to the good opinions of this world!