A straw enables you to drink without using your wrist. A straw is your friend - until you lose eye contact with the straw. Then it will betray you and make you look like an idiot.

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

It’s only when you find God that you can discover your calling

You see every day of life as a bonus once you have inner peace.

And I just walked away. Again and again, I walked away as her world fell down around her. As they destroyed her. We destroyed her.

If someone has been escaping reality, I don't expect him to dig my music.

He has a chance to make somebody move over on Mount Rushmore. He's working for his place on the coins and the postage stamps.

It's not the physical scars that are the most painful.

Haters are confused admirers who can’t understand why everybody else likes you

I truly believe the American consumer doesn’t want to buy products made under abusive conditions.

Remember to connect with people now and then. In fact, pick up the phone, right now, and call a friend for no other reason than to say hi.

This [2016] election was lost because a total of 70,000 people - out of 120-130 million votes - in the Rust belt, but as a result America is in the calamity.