A political satirist's job is to draw blood. I'm not so much interested in politics as I am in overthrowing the government.

Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions. Conservatives feel they deserve everything they've stolen.

My life needs editing.

People tell me there are a lot of guys like me, which doesn't explain why I'm lonely.

I've arranged with my executor to be buried in Chicago. Because when I die, I want to still remain active politically.

When Obama ran, he said, We can change the world! The world: can you change it back?!

There's a danger our fiscal bankruptcy might overtake our moral bankruptcy.

A conservative is someone who believes in reform. But not now.

Remember that no matter how selfish, how cruel, how unfeeling you have been today, every time you take a breath, you make a flower happy.

The fact is that you can't have a good relationship with a girl who hasn't settled things with her father.

One thing about being narrow-minded: you'll never be lonely.

I want a big breakfast, " said Fuchsia at last. "I want a lot to eat, I'm going to think today.

The teacher must adopt the role of facilitator not content provider.

You can't put a limit on anything. The more you dream, the farther you get.

Most people would have given up when faced with all the criticism I've received over the years.

I certainly made mistakes.

I have found through trial and error that I work best under duress. In fact I work only under duress.

You were at school and you were pimply and no one wanted to know you. You get into a group and you've got thousands of chicks there.

Where your deep gladness meets with the deep hunger of the world, there you will find a further calling.

For that was the terrible power of the dementors: to force their victims to relive the worst memories of their lives, and drown, powerless, in theirown despair. . . .

If loving God with all our heart and soul and might is the greatest commandment, then it follows that not loving Him that way is the greatest sin.