A dog is not intelligent. Never trust an animal that's surprised by it's own farts

Cider was my drink because I liked the taste and it made me stupid.

You can spend your whole life trying to be popular, but at the end of the day, the size of the crowd at your funeral will be largely dictated by the weather.

I honestly thought my marriage would work because me and the wife did share a sense of humour. We had to really, because she didn't have one.

So, Arsenal have signed Arsene Wenger because his name sounds a bit like the club. How long before Man Utd sign Stefan Kuntz?

How do I relax? This might sound slightly ridiculous but I play the ukulele for at least an hour a day and I find something really blissful about it.

We're always hearing about risk-takers whose risks paid off, but they are no braver than those whose risks end in ridicule.

Professional footballers - those virile young stags of our modern culture - are near perpetual fountains of sputum.

I'm world-famous in West Bromwich.

In order to rise from its own ashes, a Phoenix first must burn.

But can you trust something that can end as suddenly as it begins?

Here is a rule to remember when anything tempts you to feel bitter: not "This is a misfortune " but "To bear this worthily is good fortune."

Captaincy is something you get better at through experience. You've got to trust your instincts.

On a court full of great writers, I shouldn't say full of - there have been some bad writers on the court over the years.

When you spend seven years of your life working on something that youre really passionate about, and other people end up loving it, too, that just makes all of the work worthwhile.

Prayer is a thought, a belief, a feeling, arising within the mind of the one praying.

We must not confuse dissent with disloyalty. We must not walk in fear of one another. We must not be driven by fear into an age of unreason.

I've always been entranced with theater.

Live in the sunshine, swim the sea, drink the wild air.