A bad liver is to a Frenchman what a nervous breakdown is to an American. Everyone has had one and everyone wants to talk about it.

The best things in life aren't things.

People who live in glass houses have to wash their windows all the time.

There isn't a child who hasn't gone out into the brave new world who eventually doesn't return to the old homestead carrying a bundle of dirty clothes.

Whether it's the best of times or the worst of times, it's the only time we've got.

The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be. Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo.

You can't make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you're doing is recording it.

If you attack the establishment long enough and hard enough, they will make you a member of it.

The things that matter most are not things.

This is not an easy time for humorists because the government is far funnier than we are.

I worship the quicksand he [Richard Nixon] walks in.

Perv."He pointed to himself. "Male and eighteen. What's your point?

I have a thing for things that last.

They're going to get the death penalty. They'll be strung up and made to be laughed at out in the streets and made examples of!

I needed to decide if I would still worship God if he allowed Matt to lose his eye.

Polls could be self-fulfilling prophecies, shaping reality as much as they described it.

Before a group can enter the open society, it must first close ranks.

If you’re eating vegetables you are probably pushing unhealthier food out of your diet.

The idea of Herman Melville in a writing class is always distressing to me.

It's true that necessity is the mother of invention. But for those of us without fathers, there is a deeper truth - necessity is the mother of self-invention.