Witty Quotes

Many a witty inspiration is like the surprising reunion of befriended thoughts after a long separation.

The greatest risk is to risk nothing at all

Nietzsche was stupid and abnormal.

This is how we court girls in America. We grab them and kiss them. And if they don't like it, we do it again, harder and longer, until they surrender. It saves us hours of witty repartee.

Good women are no fun... The only good woman I can recall in history was Betsy Ross. And all she ever made was a flag.

Sons branch out, but one woman leads to another.

I fear nothing so much as a man who is witty all day long.

Love is the only passion which includes in its dreams the happiness of someone else.

They had to ask spain I think, they've had to say to Spain, can you lend us some stuff for the roads, and it's Gordon Brown phoning up going 'pass the salt'

My music started out as a complete joke, so really all I was doing was going for witty punchlines to make all of my buddies laugh.

A business must have a conscience as well as a counting house.

People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who haven't what they want that they don't want it.

Other people are quite dreadful. The only possible society is oneself.

I won't belong to a club that accepts me as a member

No man should travel until he has learned the language of the country he visits. Otherwise he voluntarily makes himself a great baby - so helpless and so ridiculous.

Hell is a half-filled auditorium.

I paid too much for it, but it's worth it.

Modern dancing is old fashioned.

Don't improve it into a flop!

"Yes, but that's our strongest weak point."

I don't care if it doesn't make a nickel. I just want every man, woman, and child in America to see it.

Let's bring it up to date with some snappy nineteenth century dialogue.

Don't worry about the war. It's all over but the shooting.

When will you start asking different questions? Better questions?

Yeah, I treat all my heroines like children now. I pick them up, I cuddle them, I call them baby.

If you ask that question again ma'am, I will have to ask you your age

I'm not bisexual, I'm tri-sexual. I try everything

Yes it's going really well. We are planning on having a baby together.

It will never be perfect, but perfect is overrated. Perfect is boring on live TV.

The history of most women is hidden either by silence, or by flourishes and ornaments that amount to silence.

I read the book of Job last night, I don't think God comes out well in it.

I am not only witty in myself, but the cause that wit is in other men.

The United States invariably does the right thing, after having exhausted every other alternative.

The guy's life drunk, I think, makes Candide look like a sourpuss. Does he even know that death exists?

In order for three people to keep a secret, two must be dead.

It was a typically British birth... I was three at the time. They had a strike in the maternity ward... I came out in sympathy.

The next best thing to being witty one's self, is to be able to be able to quote another's wit.

Next to being witty, the best thing is being able to quote another's wit.

Blessed is the satirist; and blessed the ironist; blessed the witty scoffer, and blessed the sentimentalist; for each, having seen one spoke of the wheel, thinks to have seen all, and is content.

Clever, witty and absorbing, Amortality is a much-needed anatomy of our profound malaise about ageing. Its charms will never fade.

When the political columnists say 'Every thinking man' they mean themselves, and when candidates appeal to 'Every intelligent voter' they mean everybody who is going to vote for them

There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.

There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it.

Hemingway was a jerk.

I can be your best friend or your worst enemy. You seem to prefer the latter.

Though lust do masque in ne'er so strange disguise she's oft found witty, but is never wise.

I'm glad Carol Vorderman has left Countdown, I mean it's not like she did much. She was effectively just an autistic shelf-stacker.

A team that is always fun with witty sense of humor. We help each other around a lot and help push each other to be better

A zen couch potato is a person who contemplates the nature of televised existence.

I'm a misplaced American, but don't know where I was misplaced