Humour Quotes

-You forgot something important!-What?-It's under my sweater!-WHAT?!-Me!

Are you scared? I understand. The first time I saw my reflection in the mirror, even I was frightened by how BIG my reflection was.

Most people want to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch.

A Prayer was like a tickle.Sooner or later God would have to look down to see what was tickling his bum.

Time to start getting more sleep. This beautiful physique needs royal treatment.

The name of the new religion, " said Rumfoord, "is The Church of God the Utterly Indifferent.

Anyone who thinks money can't buy happiness has never owned a cat [or any pet].

Damn straight" said Connor. " So yeah, I look at you and I could suck start a leaf blower, or drill a Kevin-shaped body hole into the wall, like a cartoon.

She moved closer to me, put her hands to my face, and kissed me softly on the lips.God, it felt so good.So perfect, so right...It felt so good, I nearly fell off the roof.

I don't see what my arse has to do with enchantings!

America is a land where a citizen will cross the ocean to fight for democracy - and wont cross the street to vote in a national election.

Fine. You stay here. I shall return when I’ve found food. But when you all faint from hunger later don’t think you can just feed on me.

Grover and Nico came back from their walk, and Grover helped me fix up my wounded arm."It's green!" Nico said with delight.

If you don't remove your hands immediately, I will render you unable to biologically maintain life.

Cheese!" I exclaimed. It was a secret prayer, whose meaning was known only to God and to me.

If countries were named after the words you first hear when you go there, England would have to be called "Damn It".

At some point I was a Happy African Feminist Who Does Not Hate Men and Who Likes to Wear Lip Gloss and High Heels for Herself and Not For Men.

It was a trap. It was so obviously a trap.Darquesse smiled.

Fish and company start to smell after three days.

Does Uncle Bob have anything?""I heard he has an STD.""I mean on the women.""Oh, I have no idea if they have any STDs.

You are not the first, and will not be the last, to say so. I wear my “warped” label with pride.

Xander Harris: "Just when you think you know a guy he robs a mass grave and takes off.

Miss Runcible wore trousers and Miles touched up his eye-lashes in the dining-room of the hotel where they stopped for luncheon. So they were asked to leave.

The champagne had been donated by one of Gus's doctors - Gus being the kind of person who inspires doctors to give their best bottles of champagne to children.

As for Percy, he held his magic ballpoint pen like he was trying to decide whether to bust out some sword moves or autograph Nike’s chariot.

Look at you! You look like Rangeman Barbie. You got a gun and everything.-Lula

They say that maths is a language. So how do I order a pizza with extra cheese in maths?

Joel Cairo: You always have a very smooth explanation ready.Sam Spade: What do you want me to do, learn to stutter?

Don't lose today by worrying about tomorrow!!!

Lord, my hands were made for blessing, but not my feet!

I was tempted to tell her it was because we were British and actually had a sense of humour, but I try not to be cruel to foreigners, especially when they're that strung out.

This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible. This was terrible with raisins in it.

My poetic aspirationIs to become, A Jack of all stylesAnd a master of pun.

I will now sing another song for your pleasure. Now, if you like Phil Collins...you should be shot in the head.

Roses are red violets are blue, God made me pretty, what happened to you?

I didn't realise you'd ridden here on your high horse

But I, when I undress meEach night, upon my kneesWill ask the Lord to bless meWith apple-pie and cheese.

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a sane employee in possession of his wits must be in want of a good manager.

Reason number 106 why dogs are smarter than humans: once you leave the litter, you sever contact with your mothers.

Did I say stab of Self Pity? No, I was trekking through the Swamp of Self Pity at this point, waist deep in my own stinking shit.

Did you just seriously quote Grease? I think I'm gonna have to revoke your man card.

A kleptomaniac is a person who helps himself because he can't help himself

If you can put this book down, it means you need more coffee and less sleep. After all, sleep is for the weak which is why I get 8 hours every night and 2 hours during the day and drink de-cafe.

Red sky at night, the city's alight.

Love is like a lost fart. If you have to force it, it's probably shit.

I asked my publisher what would happen if he sold all the copies of my book he'd printed. He said "I'll just print another ten.

I didn't feel strong. I felt like a big ball of wuss that wanted to curl up in my bed and never get out.

Lord Teddie?" she said. "Will you stay for

I can't believe she's lived this long. God must be avoiding her.

Your king is SUPPOSED to explode? What kind of government system is that?