Humour Quotes

No, General. I'm not your subordinate. And what I'm coming dangerously close to is violence.-General Wedge Antilles

Stop playing hard to get""I'm hard to get. I'm not playing.

[He]said something that made it impossible to continue working for him.[The exact words were]You're fired.

one blow in anger [would] kill, probably, a child from aged two to eight. Those over eight would take two blows to kill.

Oh Mokona, you're such a tease! ~Fai D. Flowright

As Samson demonstrated, going bald ruins lives.

What's the rule for fighting? Hit the soft parts with your hand and the hard parts with a utensil?

Men, " she said rueful, "are the most absurd creatures on this green earth." "But there are camels, " Gabriel pointed out. "Believe me, " she answered. "I've taken camels into consideration.

pretty girls behave better when you ignore them.

He lies down next to me.He says, 'You know - you have a face to die for/''Well, don't die, ' I say, "we just met.

Steven Fry on The Da Vinci Code-"It is complete loose stoolwater. It is arse-gravy of the worst kind.

Never say a humorous thing to a man who does not possess humor. He will always use it in evidence against you.

The world is not full of crazy ninja perfume ladies!

When the bishop farted we were amused to hear about it. Should the ploughboy find treasure we must be told. But when the ploughboy farts... er... keep it to yourself.

You cannot, it seems, let children run about the streets. People who have seen them running wild in Russia say that the sight is not a pleasant one.

Don’t kill her! Only maim her a little!

Mercy', Finnikin said, grinning from ear to ear. 'We're going to have a bed full of children and I'll have to holler out to my wife, "Hello there! It's been a long time since we last spoke!

Langdon turned to Sophie. "Who is that? What... happened?"Teabing hobbled over. "You were rescued by a knight brandishing an Excalibur made by Acme Orthopedic.

I was very surprised when last I bought a packet of cigarettes and had to request a refund as I read a warning that told me "smoking can cause fatal lung cancer".

And I’m stubborn, if you want absolute obedience, get a Labrador.

Maxim 29: The enemy of my enemy is my enemy's enemy. No more. No less.-The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries

I remembered that Beethoven's symphonies had sometimes been given names... they should have call [the Fifth] the Vampire, because it simply refused to lie down and die.

What the hell are you doing here? You weren't on the guest list. Hell, you people aren't on anybody's guest list. If you turned up at a funeral, the corpse would walk out on you.

I’m Sam Donovan.” “I know who you are. Mrs. Kulavich told me. I’m Jaine Bright.” “I know. She told me. She even told me how you spell your name.” Now, how on earth had Mrs. Kulavich known that?

Men are scumbags until they prove they're women.

Lentokonesuihkuturbiinimoottoriapumekaanikkoaliupseerioppilas (technical warrant officer trainee specialised in aircraft jet engines)

I want you to move in with me, man.""Nah. I appreciate it, but I need to get a place of my own. I'm a grownup.

Political life is best treated with antibiotics.

My cats inspire me daily. They inspire me to get a dog!

You can get anywhere in Pakistan if you know people, even into jail.

Recklessness is almost a man's revenge on his woman.

Are we making a bomb?" "This is a trust exercise, like in drama, " she says. "Are we making a bomb as a trust exercise?

The men who made the joke saw something deep which they could not express except by something silly and emphatic.

mystery is not founded in ignorance, mystery is founded in imagination

If asked which words one associated with the Sahara, only the most dedicated surrealist might be expected to offer "whale".

We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police.

Having one eye makes you see the world in unusual ways, Shockwave..." -Overlord

- "Sometimes I think people would believe in aliens before they'd believe in demons"- "That's how it is, now!

I smiled at him, “It’s okay, boys can be dumb.”Alex smirked, “Yeah, and girls can drive you crazy.

It'd be funny if one of them was called Gavin. Funny but irrelevant.

In fact the bare adjective "bad" hardly scratches the surface of the man's awesome incapacity.

leave not a speck.that may cause a wreck...

Normal is just a settng on your dryer

Why save the rainforest, the whales, or the world when you can devote your time to saving syllables?

...You haven't I suppose ever mixed with politicians at close quarters. They're awful...their stupidity is inhuman.

Need to get to Ruislip by sparrow-fart though', said the squadron leader. 'Think you can do that? Can I come along for the ride?

Dad instantly set out his stall:he wanted a big dog, a 'man dog', a dog that if it was human would enjoy a pint and stare at the barmaid's arse

We are getting older fatter and balder. Each day brings us one step closer to death. Other than that, life's a ding-a-derry.

After Puckoon I swore I'd never write another book. This is it

The encapsulated bird your conspirators sent you to fetch. The sterilized male chicken with the Creator DNA sequences. The plot capon. Where is it?