Humorous Quotes

Fainting is for preteen girls and those really weird goats. I do not faint!

Very few problems cannot be solved by either coffee, wine or chocolate.

Well, I've got tomorrow morning off, so I thought I might spend that thinking about her. Basically, my plan is to maybe just romantically obsess over her but not really do anything about it.

Can a person really love someone so deeply after only a week? Hello? Cliche much for insta-love?

They tell you the devil is in the details…what they don’t tell you is that he’s laughing maniacally.

Going down 6% grades using only a hand brake and low gears wasn’t for sissies and, in retrospect, might have been for idiots.

I have no flaws, I'm perfect at being imperfect.

The thing to remember about a kick is you go for his twigs and berries" ~Declan~

I might not have superpowers, but I know how to knee a guy in the nuts.

Deep down, he's shallow.

Despite his flaws, one has to admit that he is a whale-sized catch.”“I’ll be thrilled when someone harpoons him, ” Lillian muttered, making the other two laugh.

The greatest trick you can teach an old dog is how to learn new tricks.

...the kind of love that picks you up in Akron and sets you down in Rio...

Stupidity has a knack for getting its way.

The early bird gets the worm that should have slept in.

You know what you tell a man with two black eyes? Nothing. He's already been told twice."Darryl the cop

There are stranger things out there than flying pigs.

Don't follow your heart if you can't keep a beat

Get out of my brain!

I'm Julia Malone and nobody has the patent on me!

Where's the guy who gave me Twinkies and Coke?

We so need to work on your definition of relaxing.

I've been waiting for this a long time."-Martin "Let me guess that you're wishing for your IQ to break double figures?"- Alex V.

Among the top ten things I've learned in life: when your hair stylist is having a bad day, reschedule.

I am currently preoccupied with chocolate.

And we’re at four. Alexis Ann, I think we’re in an abusive relationship.

Water is the most essential element in life, because without it you can't make coffee.

When it's all said and done remember, "You are only as old as you look.

You can't fall in love with someone in a day.""Romeo and Juliet did, " Melanie says, tugging me toward the exit."Yeah, and then they killed themselves a few hours later. Thanks for the pep talk, Mel.

Better days are coming! They're called Saturday and Sunday.

God has given you the same brain, so use your own in stead of borrowing ideas from somebody else. Think about and fathom the ideas before following them.

if any of your body parts become detached due to an unfortunate encounter with a crank, I highly advise you leave said body part behind and run like hell. Unless it's a leg, of course.

You do remember how dangerous I am with those?” “Aye, that’s the point. Everyone will duck and cover if they see you wielding these.” “Even my teammates?”“Especially your teammates.

I'll share my life with you. But, not my doughnuts.

Feeling old? Remember, you will never again be as young as your are today.

They view New York as Satan's waiting room." "If this is the waiting room, where does the guy reside or work?" "New Jersey, I assume, " Kyle said with a smile. "I mean, dude, have you been to Jersey?

Well tarnation you're a meanie pants aren't you?" ~Miss Mary~

How did you know they were there?" Glory asked. "Oh wait, I forgot, NightWings are all-knowing, all-seeing and all-brilliant, right?" "Don't forget al-wonderful and all-brilliant.

I am apparently the complete opposite of a sociopath. (Seriously. I took a test.) WHEW! ‪#‎dodgedabullet‬

What is that thing? It looks like a model of the human digestive tract made from broken beer bottles and sadness.

What happened when the Verb asked the noun to conjugate? She said "no-no!", forgot the "o" and decided to become a nun!

Seeing someone reading a book you love is seeing a book recommending a person

-Cheap? I could have bought a whole pig with that coin jester. -Exactly my Lord. And while some may eat a mule, no one can ride a pig.

If You Lose Your Keys, At Least It's Better Than Losing Your Car.

My best advice is never to address any woman as Madam unless she holds a high position in government or you happen to find yourself in a brothel speaking to its owner.

Sometimes i wish that I was a man so I could tell haters to 'blow me.

I can do anything a man can do except get a hard-on--and that's only because I lack the equipment.

You act like the sorcerers are invading the continent for the sole joy of hunting me down and lobbing me off of tall objects.

My sight, hearing and strength are superior and I can fly. What more do you want?

Sent from my CrackBerry Intergalactic Kommunikator that doubles as an Illuvian Disruptor Death Ray.