Humorous Quotes
Slap-stick comedy is really funny, unless you're the one getting slapped with the stick.
All I wanted for Christmas was a New Years Eve party that I would never forget. Too bad I got too drunk to remember it.
How am I going to explain to my kids one day that I can't buy them a happy meal because the toy will make them fat?
When it comes to being famous, you’re usually the last to know, and the first to deny it. Unless you were already famous in your head. In which case, party on, Wayne! Party on, Garth!
Just to keep the bad dreams at bay, she took a swig out of a bottle that smelled of apples and happy brain-death.
I never said nothing...""I know you never! I could hear you not saying anything! You've got the loudest silences I ever did hear from anyone who wasn't dead!
In my book an erection constitutes personal growth.
(About sweeping)....What he was in FACT doing was moving the dirt around with a broom, to give it a change of scenery and a chance to make new friends.
Only love will attract love.”~ Amunhotep El Bey
He had intended his address to be somewhat more comprehensive than this but was forced to cut it short, having been stabbed between the ribs with a broadsword.
Buddy I have lived through three wars and several major political skirmishes. You can't beat me down with your boring-to-death sales pitches.
A survey was done on people who LIE, but the results were unreLIEable
I know that not all my readers like my digressions, but the research that has been done on Caenorhabditis elegans is such a ringing triumph of science that you aren't going to stop me.
A professional headshot in front of a bookshelf says you're an intellectual. A professional headshot peeking though a bookshelf says you're probably under a restraining order.
We have glorified wealth and freedom so much that it is impossible for most of us to truly believe that a man can truly be happy in a shack or within the confines of a prison cell.
Rats! It's rainy outside, And to be a good fellaInvite a smile so wideNobody needs umbrella!
We love being mentally strong, but we hate situations that allow us to put our mental strength to good use.
I don't imagine book elitists as my audience when writing. I dream about teachers, morticians and garbage men instead.
Be calm when your wife yells at you, calmer when she chastens you, but be terrified when she ignores you.
Falling in love with someone is intentional, even if it was their looks that tripped you.
There is nothing wrong with being a puppet if love is the one pulling the strings.
The easiest way to remember your future wife’s birthday is to marry her on Super Bowl Sunday.
If men could be bought like clothes at an outlet, only then would women always get what they bargained for.
The only time I hold my wife's hand tightly is when my wallet is in her other hand.
A kiss is the only thing you can throw at someone without being held criminally responsible.
Cool people are only cool for the first thirty minutes of knowing them. After that, they just become annoying.
I didn't feel strong. I felt like a big ball of wuss that wanted to curl up in my bed and never get out.
I've had quite enough danger for a while I think. I might have some more when I'm thirteen, but definitely not before then...
...food was at least three million per cent more delicious when you ate it immediately after thinking you were going to die.
One day we found them. They must of been holding a gook convention or something, cause it seem like the same sort of deal as when you step on a anthill and they all come swarming around.
It’s a terrible person who listens to what we say rather than what we mean
Death would not surprise us as often as it does, if we let go of the misbelief that newborns are less mortal than the elderly.