Humorous Quotes

I am engaged in answering that Italian buffoon, Mazotti, whose views upon the larval development of the tropical termites have excited my derision and contempt . . .

An absence of antecedents and of relatives is sometimes an aid rather than an impediment to social advancement . . .

Government is like junior high. Your status depends upon whom you're able to persecute.

Come, let us hasten to a higher plane, Where dyads tread the fairy fields of Venn, Their indices bedecked from one to _ n, Commingled in an endless Markov chain!

A fine horse or a beautiful woman, I cannot look at them unmoved, even now when seventy winters have chilled my blood.

Stalin didn't write any memoirs. He was too secretive. He was afraid people might read them.

The less experienced a doctor is, the higher are his notions of professional dignity . . .

In Riemann, Hilbert or in Banach space Let superscripts and subscripts go their ways. Our symptotes no longer out of phase, We shall encounter, counting, face to face.

As expected, you get his machine. Someday, even the "call of nature" will be answered by a machine.

And I have a plan to do even better, to end welfare as we know it

I am committed to curbing the influence of money in our political system.

If a President of the United States ever lied to the American people, he should resign.

It was to be a short visit for the G-shevs. More than four days in the U.S. and Raisa's VISA card bill would shatter the fragile Soviet economy.

I issued a number of denials to people I thought needed to hear them

The telephone is the greatest single enemy of scholarship; for what our intellectual forebears used to inscribe in ink now goes once over a wire into permanent oblivion.

When I was a younger man and had a life, I owned an El Camino pickup in the '70s. It was a real sort of Southern deal. I had Astroturf in the back.

We're not talking about a few rooms here with delicate personal matters involved.

I was not elected to produce a pile of vetoes.

If the Japanese want to be taken seriously as world financial powers, they'd better quit using the same tailor as variety show chimps.

Almost makes you want to go to jail out here, doesn't it?

We will reduce the White House staff by 25 percent

In Tantric Zen you can be humorous and make fun of anything or you can be very serious.

The Soviet Union at this time was being run by the Communists, a group of men fierce in their dedication to wearing hilariously bad suits. Their leader was Josef Stalin (Russian for "Joey Bananas")

From my own personal encounters and studies with both Tantric and Zen Buddhist monks, I have found them to be humorous, warm, charming, and compassionate.

[They let] friendship with the leaders in China obscure our devotion to freedom and democracy when those kids set up in Tiananmen Square, and I think it was wrong.

I've always figured that if God wanted us to go to church a lot He'd have given us bigger behinds to sit on and smaller heads to think with.

The concerts you enjoy together/ Neighbors you annoy together/ Children you destroy together,/ That keep marriage in tact.

I'm just trying to suppress my natural impulses and get back to work.

You nickednamed my daughter after the Loch Ness Monster?

Modern air travel means less time spent in transit. That time is now spent in transit lounges.

For four years we've been cooperating exhaustively

You may have heard that a dean is to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog.

It is inconceivable that anyone could say we have tried to hide anything

There is no decision to be more or less comic. I don't feel more or less humorous in my day-to-day. These things are accidental.

It had never occurred to us that the Kremlin's new anti-booze campaign would apply to journalists. Now, that's a human-rights violation.

Maybe there'll be a simple, innocent explanation. I don't think so, because I think we would have offered that up already.

But soft you, the fair Ophelia: Ope not thy ponderous and marble jaws, But get thee to a nunnery - go!

Last year I gave seventy-four phone hours to soliciting baked goods for the Bake-A-Rama. I was named Top Call Girl by the League.

The Japanese, implementing a complex, long-term, and ultimately successful strategy to dominate the U S consumer-electronics market, attacked Pearl Harbor.

This book fills a much-needed gap.

Dogs make good pets because they are very loyal

There is, in fact, no law or government at all; and it is wonderful how well things go on without them.

There's a few tunes of mine that don't have jokes, but most of them have a joke and they have a humorous point of view somewhere.

The IRS wants you to use this form because it gets to keep most of your money. So unless you have pond silt for brains, you want the long form.

Crocodiles have a smile I've seen on the face of every lawyer I've ever met.

Ann Taylor - great name, great real estate, shitty business. Gap -great name, great real estate, declining business. J.Crew - Hellooo? Great name, better fashion image than the Gap.

Some of the best fiction writers got their start writing airline menus.

Famous designers think nothing of putting their names on your clothing, but would have the servants set the dogs on you if you ever tried to put your name on their clothing.

People usually survive their illnesses, but the paper work eventually does them in. Filing a claim for insurance is terminal.

Every man is as God made him, ay, and often worse.