Humor Quotes

I will never, ever drink whiskey again. From now on, it's strictly sherry.

Just because it's old, doesn't mean it's gold.

There's nothing worse than the one that got away. It haunts you for weeks like a bad dream, eats away at your psyche like a termite on softened wood.

An Airstream is a lot like a first love: you are lured by her charm, seduced by her beauty, and once bitten, you are forever chasing after her mystique.

The "Wet Tongue Gets Stuck To A Frozen Flagpole" attack!

Stefan spat. "Oh, aye, he fell. O' course, Master Ralon helped him fall, several times. Poor li'l tyke didn't have a chance.

Cabel gives her a quizzical look. "I am totally not getting enough attention here.

Meg and Belch only had eyes for each other. Not in the usual romantic sense.

This squirrel is inadequately afraid of humans! Squirrel, I am a threat to you! We are enemies! Please get off my bench! Oh, god! Oh, god! Don't touch me—oh, god!

What a moron I was to think you were sweet and innocent, when it turns out you were actually college-educated the whole time!

There was nothing I could say in retaliation except something that would confuse her.

I, on the other hand, believe that books, maps, scissors, and Scotch tape dispensers are all unreliable vagrants, likely to take off for parts unknown unless strictly confined to quarters.

there is a fine line between sarcasm and hostility, you seemed to have crossed it. What's up?

Because I withered under the glare of an actual invitation, I was a firm believer in preventive prevarication--in other words, lying early in order to free myself later on.

As Carrie Fisher once said in a film, everyone thinks they have good taste and a sense of humour.

The movie was kickass, which was appropriate, because tonight it was called Kickass: The Movie.

I was in a tailspin of confusion I hadn't experienced since the first time I heard George W. Bush speak.

Men are not nearly as evolved as women are, nor as intelligent, evidently

Let me be clear. Last I was aware you were neither my husband nor my father nor my King. Therefore, any control you may imagine you hold over me is just that- imaginary

Writing a book is like sliding down a rainbow! Marketing it is like trudging through a field of chewed bubblegum on a hot, sticky day.

One can have a wit, but not a witless

Yes, I'm shallow, I don't mind admitting it. Perhaps I should admit that there's no end to the depths of my shallowness.

Marriage is an honorable estate and should not be used simply as an excuse for legal intercourse.

Now they seemed to be in a contest over who could irritate her more, and she sometimes had to remind herself that teenagers had souls

Nowhere have I ever heard of Satan taking the form of an avuncular hippie. No doubt he could. It just seems inefficient.

He'd been an angel once. He hadn't meant to Fall. He'd just hung around with the wrong people.

Out here, it's better safe than sorry, because generally speaking, too much of the time sorry means you're dead.

One of the nastier trends in library management in recent years is the notion that libraries should be 'responsive to their patrons'.

If there were such a thing as an inter-city thieving contest, Ankh-Morpork would bring home the trophy and probably everyone’s wallets.

... sometimes in life, you either laugh or you cry. And I prefer to laugh.

Man, it was a good thing vampires didn't get cancer. Lately he'd been chain-smoking like a felon.

Count Olaf sounds like an awful person. I hope he is torn apart by wild animals someday. Wouldn't that be satisfying?

The President has a wonderful sense of humor, which is one of the reasons it is so much fun to work for him.

I used to watch 'The Waltons' and sob because my family was nothing like that. We had a cruel sense of humor in my family.

Everybody's got a different sense of humor. It's just different styles.

If you look at terrorists, they really have no sense of humor.

I consider myself to have a decent sense of humor. What's life without a sense of humor?

I've met a lot of people who've lost their jobs and they still have a sense of humor.

It doesn't take many people to have a bad sense of humor to get in trouble at a corporation.

It's easier to sit there and say you don't like feminists because they don't have a sense of humor.

And I loved Fats Waller. I love his instrumental abilities, his vocal abilities and his sense of humor.

Having a sense of humor has served me more than it has hurt me - just in the sense that it has allowed me to keep my sanity.

The darker the film, the more vital everyone's sense of humor is on set.

A lot of stars don't have a sense of humor.

Philip Larkin has a tough honesty and sense of humor that I find irresistible, as a contemporary poet.

I don't know if my sense of humor goes over Americans' heads.

You've got to have a sense of humor to keep your sanity.

I have a very silly sense of humor. I've never laughed harder in my entire life than seeing someone with toilet paper stuck on the bottom of their shoe.

Bands from Akron have a sense of humor and don't tend to take themselves too seriously.

Do feminists have a sense of humor? Yes.