Humor Quotes
Restraining, saving, assuring your checkbook balance...what does all taht amount to? If I go broke one day I'll just take out loans
The ideas of debtor and creditor as to what constitutes a good time never coincide.
In the words of the philosopher Sceptum, the founder of my profession: am I going to get paid for this?
Vampire politics make the very complicated dance of manners that is werewolf protocol look like the Hokey Pokey.
You're not going to hear me singing songs about Wall Street because I don't know anything about that.
I'm not the one going for a biology degree. I'm just a philosophy major who eats people.
Who can fail to mist at Fergie's anthem, 'My humps, my humps, my lovely lady lumps.' Hmmm. 'My lunch, my lunch, I swear it's coming up.
I have forgiven Jesus for all of the love he placed in me, when there's no one I can turn to with this love.
One of Renee's friends asked her, "Does your boyfriend wear glasses?" She said, "No, he wears a Walkman.
My love, wherever you are - whatever you are - don't lose faith. I know it's gonna happen someday to you.
I see the world, it makes me puke, But then I look at you and know, that somewhere there's a someone who can soothe me.
In our world, I rank music somewhere between hair ribbons and rainbows in terms of usefulness.
It's safe to assume that by 2085 guns will be sold in vending machines but you won't be able to smoke anywhere in America.
The United States was a big country where everybody wore funny t-shirts and ate too much.
The woman gestured to a seat and put on a patient face. An impatient sort of patient face, like an impatient face dressing up as a patient one for Halloween.
My mother was tickled and I think kind of proud when my father got hit on my an attractive middle-aged Asian lady who hadn't noticed he was with his family. He was certainly pleased about it.
It's a terrible thing for a man when his woman gangs up on him wi' a toad
I gave up on cussing - I'd run out of words filthy enough - and just started praying.
I had the most boring office job in the world...I used to clean the windows on envelopes.
In his opinion, working was vastly overrated. Particularly as a way to build character, for everyone who engaged in it was far too snappish and fussy, and seemed to have no manners at all.
You bruised my ego, you see, and there’s just not enough money in the world to soothe my ego when it gets bruised
History has rewritten itself so many times I'm not really sure how it was to begin with -- it's a bit like trying to guess the original color of a wall when it's been repainted eight times.
Never take advice about never taking advice. That is an old vice of men - to dish it out without being able to take it - the blind leading the blind into more blindness.
Funny thing, employment. If you keep doing it, you keep getting paid.
From space this Earth is incandescent with abominations - the gods write their signature in our entrails
My first semester I had only nine students. Hoping they might view me as professional and well prepared, I arrived bearing name tags fashioned in the shape of maple leaves.
There's nothing sillier in the world than a teacher telling you don't do it after you already did it.
Finally someone takes me seriously enough to ask for my word of honor, and it’s a villain.
I have no will of my own. Never did. Limp and lily-livered, I always obey - is it possible that's attractive to women?
Women have a passion for mathematics. They divide their age in half, double the price of their clothes, and always add at least five years to the age of their best friend.
Everybody must be managed. Queens must be managed. Kings must be managed, for men want managing almost as much as women, and that's saying a good deal.