Humor Quotes

It's funny when people say something is "unreal" about something that is, in reality, real. I'm so guilty of it, it's real!

Lady, you have the wrong number. Our cat isn't even in the hospital. He doesn't want pajamas.

it can't be wrong, if it feels so wrong

Glasses are for people that sips instead of drinks.

the only drinking problem I've ever had, is figuring out why I'm still stuck in this salad spinner

If we'd done this my way, ' Garrett went on, 'We'd have been here much earlier.''And drunk, most likely, ' said Maiev.'You say "drunk, " I say "happy", ' Garrett shrugged.

Life is better when you're drunk. I ought to become an alcoholic.

She was thinking of doing a little Cuervo therapy.

Free drinks have no carbs.

Reggie, you wrapped your sports car around a telephone pole after drinking a bar." "Yeah... But I was wearing my seatbelt.

I also drink Scotch. But I'm not picky. I'll take the victory Scotch, or the Scotch of defeat. Or the rotgut swill.

Sweat, scalded meat, puke, blood, smoke and a dozen kinds of bad ale and wine: the bouquet of civilized nightlife

He wanted one drink, and understood precisely why he wasn't going to have one. One drink ended up arriving in a dozen glasses.

The thing I like about Irish whiskey is that the more you drink the smoother it goes down. Of course that's probably true of antifreeze as well, but illusion is nearly all we have.

He only drinks when he gets depressed, ' said Carrot. 'Why does he get depressed?' 'Sometimes it's because he hasn't had a drink.

Kid, I've only known you two days and I've seen you plastered three times." He shook his head. "A bar would not be a good career move for you.

I knew what Charley would do. He would spend the evening drinking himself into the mindset of a cinder block. If they had given him as much as a hundred bucks, it would be a long night.

I guess I forgot we were going out tonight.""We always go out on Fridays.""It's Thursday, Alvis.""You are so tied to routine.

If my liver cared enough, it would have told me to stop. - Jonathan "Jack" McVoy

Could I have a Sloe Gin Fizz, without the gin?""What's the point of that, Miss?" the waiter said."Tomorrow morning, " Mabel said.

Harry Potter: I know this witch with no nose. Voldermort: With no nose? How does he smell? Harry Potter: Terrible!

Arthur and Fred—” “I’m George, ” said the twin at whom Moody was pointing. “Can’t you even tell us apart when we’re Harry?” “Sorry, George—” “I’m only yanking your wand, I’m Fred really—

I finally figured out why Voldemort's face is so flat. He ran into the wrong wall at the train station.

I don't want to stay here overnight, ' said Harry angrily, sitting up and throwing back his covers. 'I want to find McLaggen and kill him.

Merlin's pants!" shrieked Hermione, jumping up and running from the room."Merlin's pants?" repeated Ron, looking amused. "She must be really upset.

But the pirates never showed, and the slaves found themselves trapped on a narrow peninsula. (Lesson: never trust pirates.)

Bercelak’s kin kept themselves busy by sharpening weapons, reading, talking, or setting things on fire with small bursts of flame.

People tell me I excel in Public Relations, what I suck at are private affairs.

I'm an ugly girl, My face makes you hurl, Sad I have it, I should bag it.Acne everywhere, Unwanted facial hair.I'm a relation to Frankenstein's creation.

...She says with that mistyfar-away look in her eyes. Like conjunctivitis.

I think I killed a girl who looked like this once.

It is not summer, England doesn't have summer, it has continuous autumn with a fortnight's variation here and there.

A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken.

Prove to me that you deserved it.

I mean it, " I said. "You're in danger.""Relax, Harry. I'm not letting anyone lick me, and I'm not looking anyone in the eyes. It's kind of like visiting New York.

Man with goatee. Man who looked like a Beatle. All the Beatles at once. Woman wearing newspaper hat. I'd grown used to how weird New Yorkers were, and I could fit them into types.

And just as I'm about to lay on the Yi-Wang-Smooth, I see Lay #1 and Lay #3 show up to our table and take the two empty seats nearby. From: "My Worst Valentine's Day.Ever: a Short Story

Like a driver who has lost control of his vechicle, I was bracing for the impending crash."From: "My Worst Valentine's Day.Ever: a Short Story

His laugh and his voice were both pleasant. He talked the way New Yorkers used to talk before they learned to talk Flatbush.

No, Carolyn, you can’t petition PETA to get a waiver from dissecting the frog. The frog’s already dead. It donated itself to science. Don’t let its sacrifice be in vain. -Brandon

The outgroup is rocks.

Yeah! Bring it on lake!" -Coach Gleeson Hedge

You will leave now, " said Grdankl the Strong. "Go! Do not be afraid! If you die, it is okay!

I guess we'll just sit around here and casually die, then.

I'd die for your sins, but I'd probably enjoy them first

Don't be so hard on yourself....that's what a loofah's for

You must go to the extreme to find out who you are, but sometimes, you never go back.

Terrorism is just a whole other level of anger management issues.

He had a prince's looks but a pirate's eyes.

Honey will wipe the floor with you." His eyes went half-mast, and his voice dropped in evident pleasure. "I know.