Humor Quotes

We're like the couple on the sitcom that has good sparks but never get together for the sake of ratings.

Oh, well, that's not bad, I suppose. I mean, I'd prefer devastatingly sophisticated - but almost endearing is more than I could have hoped for under the circumstances.

What about mold, " Tom reminded her. "Fuzziness on a girl is never attractive.

So you killed him with what now?""I tried that Dr. Phil book at first"..."And I finished it off with the toilet seat. Just so you know, you left it up again. That drives me crazy.

Oh, you're a picky sort, huh?" He laughed. "That takes balls, being choosy at a time like this.

He wasn't my type -- my type was more the skinny hipster boys in girl jeans and thick glasses, a.k.a. the first ones to go during the outbreak -- but the sight still had me staring.

Beth from accountingis just sitting in her careating spaghetti.

What are you, Zombie Slayer Barbie?" The big man in the back barked a laugh. "You'll pay for that one.

Mindless violence against the undead?” said Zzzap. “Count me in.

It was during Latin that the Austro-Hungarians arrived with their dogs and zombies to kill everyone at the Eden College for Young Ladies.

Admit when you're wrong. It doesn't fix a busted leg, of course, but it's a nice gesture none-the-less.

Share in your activities and interests. If you are going to kill zombies anyway, why not do it together?

Present a united front: YOU against the zombies.

Show physical affection. Nothing says "I love you" like bearing the entirety of your spouse's weight.

You are your partner are on the same side - it's the side of the living.

Men are from Mars. Zombies are from Hell.

Don't discuss your relationship problems with friends. Your zombie problems are another story entirely.

The toughest part about riding a horse is overcoming the urge to eat it.

Sometimes the thing one wants most is the very thing that will get him killed with an axe.

Heart condition? That’s rich. I guess you can call a heart not beating a condition.-PJ

If I could make one wish, I wouldn't ask for world peace. I'd wish for a real zombie apocalypse. I'll take Romero zombies any day over this counterfeit harmony bullshit.

Mia, ' she whispered. I turned around. 'What?' I whispered back.She smiled at me a little. 'LEEERRROOOY JEEENNKKIINNNSS!' she shouted, then spun around and ran toward the Z's in the lighting section.

He's a ghost, not a carnival magician.-Benny Imura

It is meant to be survival of the fittest, not survival of the most floral.

Oreos come in packages. Otherwise known as a gift. Cherish it.

I brug you two [gifts] . . . I gots the little here in my pockie.' He dug one hand deep into his pocket and pulled out a handful of nuts and a dead grasshopper. 'Nope. Be the other side.' (Matt)

I don't want to be remembered as a woman from Saint Louis who died. I want to be remembered as a woman from Saint Louis who left and actually did something with her life. Then died.

The na at the end of banana annoys me as much as it would you if it were bananana.

Ish #21 "Stop saying the only meat you eat is chicken. It's still meat!

Please believe me. I've nothing against you personally. It's just that I laugh at all jokes.

Forgive my brother, " Camira apologized. "We don't normally let him out of his cage when guests are present.

...and yes that was meant to be interpreted in a sarcastic bubblegum tone complete with clapping and jazz hands.

My mother-in-law belongs in Hell, but the devil is afraid she’ll end up taking over.

Most of you Mistborn are probably too proud to crawl. I'm surprised you were willing to do so your

Don't ask for a girl's hand in marriage and forget to ask for her leg too.

Hey, religious nuts! Please do not grow up. Just go up!

Children throw tantrums because they've imagined their 'father in heaven' does so. And because, their inherited religious book has, in written, shown them so.

Monkeying around with other apes, a monkey was made - called, HUMAN. God is great!

Whenever I wish to pay my respect to you, my middle finger says, it must first.

I never knew, apes talk. Apparently, you do.

All right, I'll wait another two thousand years to make jokes about my evilness.

I'm fascinated by idiots... Here's looking at you, kid!

Graduating from the School of Hard Knocks doesn't always get you to Fort Knox.

You’re starting to sound like one of those songs that DJ’s play when they wanna clear out the dancefloor.

Groupies will give you Chlamydia, Edward.”“Right, Virg. Groupies throw underwear on stage. They don’t throw flowers.

I am always happy, because whenever I am sad I just know that somewhere, somehow, there is a person who is PUSHING a door that says PULL.

They are not grey roots! This is my new fifty shades of grey OMBRE hairstyle!

Turning to Turnip, Miss Dempsey said, 'Do you think?'. 'As little as I can, ' Turnip replied honestly.

Are You Driving With Your Eyes Open? Or Are You like Using The Force?

The fool has said in his heart: pass me another Everlasting God-Stopper, please.