Humor Quotes
We skipped right over Walmart on the ladder down.
At least a hospital stay will give him an excuse to halt the job hunt.
The train hit her with the sound of a meat-filled hefty bag smacking the pavement, and the effect was much the same, I guess. (Dark City Lights)
Good thing we weren't here when this happened, " Fred added. "We'd be pancakes - DEAD ones!
Cigarette smoke when i didn't ask for it. Never when I did.
Alma didn’t want Isabel to start singing the praises of their pet, a rescue beagle, or she wouldn’t shush until sundown. “I’ve found the missing lady, ” Alma said. “Say welcome home, Betsy Sweet.
You can't draw lines in the sand like that. Humour's a tsunami that doesn't care about your little lines.
Credit Repair Companies feed off your frustrations, and your funds!!! - The Credit Repair Book: The Credit Repair Company's Secret Weapon.
We got there without being spotted. I pulled her in, then shut the door, pressing my back to it and exhaling like an epileptic pilot who'd just landed a cargo plane full of dynamite.
Even as zombies, ridiculous prom gowns were the downfall of teenage girls, crippling them at the knees.
You know, I'm really starting to hate the insect life around here. Next time, remind me to bring a can of Off!
If you don't fall down now and again, it just means the training wheels are working
This is the funniest book I’ve ever held in my hands. --Dave Barry, Pulitzer Prize winning humorist and author says about Radical Sabbatical
Well, bloody noses." I hug his coat tighter. "Those are definitely hot.
He immediately went down with a thud and I was pretty certain most of the furniture in the room jumped when he landed.
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, you will be a mile away from him, and you will have his shoes.
There was no way to have a civilized conversation with that guy. It's like he was raised by giraffes or something.
My daughter asked if the boogie man was scary. I said, "Not as scary as the boogie woman.
Duct tape can't fix stupid, " Bas growled. "Maybe not, " Red replied, "but it can hold it down and muffled the screams.
Mike’s brain was hardwired directly into his genitals and most higher functions appeared to have switched themselves off. In other words, he was just like most men.
Every child needs a father. Even if he turns out to be Darth Vader.
There's always someone we'd love to kill, the trick is to make it not look like an accident
I like gross generalizations...I also like disgusting specifics!
I was a lazy reader as a kid. One nutrition label on a box of Cap’n Crunch and I’d have to take a nap.
Dolphins and sharks are natural enemies. Dolphins are like, "Quit eating us, " and sharks are like, "Stop smiling all the time, you morons.
There’s no experience quite like cutting your own live Christmas tree out of your neighbor’s yard.
If we get a 3D printer at the office, the first thing I’m printing with it is a new 3D printer just for me!
The medium is the message, the message is encrypted, and the encryption key is controlled by NSA.
The Occupy Wall Street movement faltered when activists realized that traders were quite busy already.
Secret 7591.42.21. Avoiding weasel words in your intelligence analysis isn't easy when your intelligence analysis is about weasels.
Bad improvisers block action, often with a high degree of skill. Good improvisers develop action."(p.115)