Humor Quotes
HARV, can you help at all here?” I asked, spinning downward.“I am writing your obituary. Well, not so much writing it as updating it, ” HARV told me.If I lived, I was going to kill HARV.
Thing is, I am not a big fan of hovers. I firmly believe that if man was meant to fly we’d have feathers, rubber bones, or better insurance coverage.
So, what you’re basically telling me is death is boring but no worse than hanging out with family.
HECKLER: Say something funny!COMEDIAN: I don't do requests.
98% of all comedians feel obliged to be funny when interviewed. Less than 2% succeed.
Make your life the greatest story ever told!
Do short people reach their full potential quicker?
You called the guy you’re supposed to rescue a nerd, and you just referenced Star Trek. You don’t find that a bit nerdy?
I'm gonna be percy Jackson when I grow up, " she told Hazel solemnly.Hazel Smiled and ruffled her hair. "That's a good thing to be, Julia.""Although, " Frank said. "Frank Zhang would be good too.
It's early on a beautiful winter morning. The house is quiet. The sun is shining. I'm thankful. I'm happy. My cup runneth over. Now there's coffee everywhere.
In life there are squares and there are circles, sometimes it's best to be an oblong
I love it, " I say. "So I learned it." It's an explanation that leaves a lot out. But I learned a long time ago that people don't really want explanations.
The first moment someone calls for a revolution is usually the last moment I take them seriously.
After your daily bread, if you ask God for anything, ask 'him' to make you right in the head.
...only someone who'd never been an animal would put up a sign saying not to feed them....
A few alligators are naturally of the vicious type and inclined to resent it when you prod them with a stick. You can find out which ones these are by prodding them.
This was like being in one of those National Geographic magazines. We were among the natives now.
Whales are silly once every two years. The young are called short-heads or baby blimps. Many whale romances begin in Baffin's bay and end in Procter and Gamble's factory, Staten Island.
I saw my life flash before my eyes. It looked a lot like a Chihuahua with a severe overbite.
Jill showed friend Kay the cute white mice.They liked to run races for cheese.Mice were lots of fun to play with.Jill said, "Take Poopsie, the male one, please!
Kaylee giggled as he tunneled up inside her sleeve.Out popped his head for a quick look, then he took leave.He enjoyed scaling up, down and around her shirt.What a sweet, funny and adorable flirt.
The people knew then that Greg wasn't a monster, just a hungry animal.
Such a nice ring…Dead Furry Friends Animal Shelter…so warm and comforting.
Alma had been falling in love with a crazy terrier that thought “stay” mean to take off like a rocket. Gaby knew he’d already taken off with Alma’s heart.
If a fox strangles a goose just to eat the brains, you wouldn’t say the fox killed the brains. You’d say the fox offed the goose.
I asked "What do you even do with a chimera?""What wouldn't you do with a chimera?" Jeff asked. "They're like the Swiss Army knife of animals.
Yes, but humans are more important than animals, ' said Brutha.'This is a point of view often expressed by humans, ' said Om.
What is with these guys? Where's the thrill in watching snakes eat?I certainly didn't thrill in watching humans eat.
Maple thought optimistically that human beings, on their good days, weren't much dimmer than sheep. Or at least, not much dimmer than dim sheep.
Such are the foolish dreams of idealistic children who believe that anything can possibly get better over time.
They watched the rain and downed their Cokes like a pair of diabetics in a suicide pact.
When you feel neglected, think of the female salmon, who lays 3, 000, 000 eggs but no one remembers her on Mother's Day
You ask me if you can eat dinner in your room, but you don’task me if you can torture Éibhear to take you flying?”Truly perplexed, Izzy asked softly, “Why would I ask you that?
She ran into the bathroom and powdered her face and the front of her dress, drew a surrealistic version of a mouth beneath her nose, and dashed into her bedroom to find a coat.