Humor Quotes

If I owned Texas and Hell, I would rent out Texas and live in Hell

That's the coolest thing I've ever seen, " Puck said."How cool will it be when it kills us?" Sabrina asked."Considerably less cool, " Puck replied.

No, " said Luis, "You can't date the Lord of the Night Court.""Well, I'm not, he dumped me.""You can't get dumped by the lord of the night court.""Oh, yes, you can. You so completely can.

Holy mother of rectangles.

What should I say? ‘Well, the murder was a little upsetting, and the fire did worry me a bit. I was nearly date-raped and my ex best friend is crazy. But, hey, at least I’m making an A in History’?

A morning coffee is my favorite way of starting the day, settling the nerves so that they don't later fray.

Holy mother!""Hmph. More like holy father. I'd think you'd know the difference."-Hephaetus

The long run is a misleading guide to current affairs. In the long run we are all dead.

Well, ” she said. “I’m frustrated.”“Don’t make me angry-kiss you.”“Give me the laundry.”“Tempers rising, faces flushed … This is how it happens.

I thought you said you were the one in charge!" Ce'Nedra exclaimed.I lied." Silk said. "It's a vice I have.

If you want to be seen, stand up.If you want to be heard, speak up.If you want to be appreciated, shut up.

Are you her boyfriend?”...No, I’m her fiancé.” Nate said.We’ve been promised to each other since birth, ” Summer added.Our wedding isn’t until March.

Fire wants to burn Water wants to flow Air wants to rise Earth wants to bindChaos wants to devourCal wants to live

Are you going to tell me what that was about?” Adam asked as we went back upstairs.“Sometime, ” I told him. “When we're telling ghost stories around a campfire, and I want to scare you.

I'm not dreaming this, am I?" he asked.Dehvi lifted an eyebrow. "There's only one way to know for sure, " he said.What's that?"Go piss in the woods. If you feel wet and warm afterward, wake up.

I never know, " Harry called to Hagrid over the noise of the cart, "What's the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite?""Stalagmite's got an 'm' in it, " said Hagrid.

Black Court vampires. I just shortened it some."Ebenezar tsked. "Blampires. That's the problem with you young people. Shortening all the words.

You just noticed? You're slow...

You see, I, unlike you, have been made a prefect, which means that I, unlike you, have the power to hand out punishments.”“Yeah, ” said Harry, “but you, unlike me, are a git.

I'm sorry I hurt your hand...with my face."-Bobby Pendragon

I like maxims that don't encourage behavior modification.-Calvin

When you choose a man who thinks eight seconds is a long time, perhaps you need two of them. Hmm?

You are all a lost generation, " Gertrude Stein said to Hemingway. We weren't lost. We knew where we were, all right, but we wouldn't go home. Ours was the generation that stayed up all night.

Now we're going to save a bunch of dirty meatsacks from a bunch of dirty cannibals? Why don't we rescue some orphaned kittens and put food out for stray puppies while we're at it?

She accused me of wearing pants from the salvation army.""Rose, your pants ARE from the salvation army.""That's SO not the point!

No one can be right all the time, but it helps to be right most of the time.

Michael has never cried during a Broadway show. Except in that scene where Tarzan's ape father is brutally murdered.And that was only because he was laughing so hard.

I would love to slap you right now, but I’m currently wielding a nine pound ball and I’m afraid that would be called murder.

Angelina leaned forward as Sara pulled Miki back to her, "You know what they say about curiosity? That it stabbed the annoying biker girl over and over and over again until she spit up blood.

Your level of neuroses will only find love in a made-for-TV movie.

Was that you, Pooky Bear?

That is the second time you have spoken out of turn, Miss Granger, ” said Snape coolly. “Five more points from Gryffindor for being an insufferable know-it-all.

How did you-"Fool your guards? They're not very good, the forgot to check the ceiling for spiders."Valek grinned. His angular face softened.

If you don't make a few ememies now and then, you're a coward-or worse. Besides, it as worth it to see his reaction. Oh, he was angry!- Angela to Eragon

God, I love a man who reads

Jocks usually aren't smart. Their muscles feast on their brains.

You look about as trapped as a piglet at a baby back ribs cookoff.

My geekness is a-quivering.

Oh Blimey O‘Reilly's pantyhose...what is the point of Shakespeare? I know he is a genius and so on, but he does rave on.It's the bloody moon, for God's sake, Will, get a grip!!

If you're worried about safety, you might like to follow my example and put on that seat belt.""The what?"Xavier shook his head in disbelief."You worry me, " he muttered.

We were just looking at maps...

You can't make footprints in the sands of time if you're sitting on your butt. And who wants to make buttprints in the sands of time?

The lustful glances thrown his way made me wish he wasn’t such a damned bowl of eye candy."- Cat re: Bones

How did you kill the Ashman in the forest last year?”“I shot him with an arrow.”“What kind of arrow?”“A sharp one.”Nate rolled his eyes. “Really, dude? A sharp one?

Now lemme get this straight, " she said in a throaty, nasal voice. "You put the lime in the cocanut and drink 'em both up--whoa, long faces. What am I interrupting?

I'll take the cemetery, " Kane said. He didn't sound excited. Rather, he sounded resigned. "The club might collapse if I go.

The internet is just a world passing notes around a classroom.

Roger, he has a chain saw, " I hissed. "I am not going to die in Kentucky!

Your mum pounced on her and started sucking away. Would’ve been arousing if not for all the screaming.”“Ian, ” Bones drew out warningly.He grinned. “You’re right. I was aroused anyway.

Be you wise and never sad, You will get your lovely lad.Never serious be, nor true, And your wish will come to you--And if that makes you happy, kid, You'll be the first it ever did.