Humor Quotes

I don't mean to be rude—" he began, in a tone that threatened rudeness in every syllable."Yet, sadly, accidental rudeness occurs alarmingly often, " Dumbledore finished the sentence gravely.

...disbelief in magic can force a poor soul into believing in government and business....

There is nothing more luxurious than eating while you read—unless it be reading while you eat. Amabel did both: they are not the same thing, as you will see if you think the matter over.

It's snowing still, " said Eeyore gloomily."So it is.""And freezing.""Is it?""Yes, " said Eeyore. "However, " he said, brightening up a little, "we haven't had an earthquake lately.

Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them.

You can safely assume you've created God in your own image when it turns out that God hates all the same people you do.

To be is to do - SocratesTo do is to be - SartreDo Be Do Be Do - Sinatra

Ask me if I sparkle and I’ll kill you where you stand.” (Bones)

I dreamed I was buying new shoes last night, " said Ron. "What d'ya think that's gonna mean?""Probably that you're going to be eaten by a giant marshmallow or something, " said Harry.

You nicked-named my daughter after the Lock Ness Monster!

Watching Jace hug Isabelle, she tried to school her features into a happy and loving expression."Are you all right?" Simon asked, with some concern. "Your eyes are crossing.

Oh Tigger, where are your manners?""I don’t know, but I bet they’re having more fun than I am.

It would seem that you have no useful skill or talent whatsoever, " he said. "Have you thought of going into teaching?

In politics, stupidity is not a handicap.

It's not like there's a law against flying.""Yes there is. The law of gravity.

Pretty soon the only people left without a girlfriend will be me and Wendell the school janitor, and he smells like windex.""At least you know he's still available.

Lawful good to lawful evil!" said Simon, pleased."He's quoting Dungeons and Dragons, " said Clary. "Ignore him.

You forget, darling. the local psychopath.

Eragon looked back at him, confused. "I don't understand.""Of course you don't, " said Brom impatiently. "That's why I'm teaching you and not the other way around.

In my opinion, we don't devote nearly enough scientific research to finding a cure for jerks.

So it's true. You can walk in sunlight. I thought perhaps it might have worn off.""If I feel the urge to burst into flames, I'll let you know.

When in danger or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

I like to have a martini, Two at the very most.After three I'm under the table, after four I'm under my host.

I mean, really. Who sends their kid to boarding school? It's so Hogwarts. Only mine doesn't have cute boy wizards or magic candy or flying lessons.

We’ll never survive!” “Nonsense. You’re only saying that because no one ever has.

She talks like you. It’s not every day you hear a four-year-old say Prince Charming is a douchebag who’s only holding Cinderella back.” "That’s my girl.

I know - I'll play you for it, " Alice suggested. "Rock, paper, scissors."Jasper chuckled and Edward sighed."Why don't you just tell me who wins?" Edward said wryly.Alice beamed. "I do. Excellent.

The human body is the best work of art.

Personally, I'm always ready to learn, although I do not always like being taught.

I can talk to fish!" Angel said happily, water dripping off her long, skinny body. "Ask one over for dinner, " Fang said, joining us.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know.

Everyone is a little crazy. The only difference between us and them is that they hide it better.

I feel like, like pudding, " Iggy groaned. "Pudding with nerve endings. Pudding in great pain.

Curran looked back at me. "Why is it you always attract creeps?""You tell me." Ha! Walked right into that one, yes, he did.

Death: "THERE ARE BETTER THINGS IN THE WORLD THAN ALCOHOL, ALBERT."Albert: "Oh, yes, sir. But alcohol sort of compensates for not getting them.

What happened to your tan?"--Fang"It was dirt." --Max

I can only assume, " said Jace, "that mortal emotions amuse you because you have none of your own.

A study in the Washington Post says that women havebetter verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh.

Poirot, " I said. "I have been thinking.""An admirable exercise my friend. Continue it.

This is Annabeth, ” Jason said. “Uh, normally she doesn't judo-flip people.

Soap?""School of America in Paris" he explains. "SOAP".Nice. My father sent me here to be cleansed.

You should try not to talk so much, friend. You'll sound far less stupid that way.- Breeze

Max, you're the last of the hybrids who still has...a soul.' ... 'She doesn't have soul, ' Gazzy scoffed. 'Have you ever seen her dance?

If I'm walking on thin ice, I might as well dance my way across.

Look on the bright side, " said Simon, "If they need a human sacrifice, you can always offer me. I'm not sure the rest of you qualify anyway.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

Bravo, " said Grimalkin, peering down from Cold Tom's chest. "The Winter prince and Oberon's jester agreeing on something. The world must be ending.

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason

Elend: I kind of lost track of time…Breeze: For two hours?Elend: There were books involved.

So why in the name of Merlin’s saggy left —”“Don’t talk to your mother like that.