Humor Quotes

I can't decide whether I'm a good girl wrapped up in a bad girl, or if I'm a bad girl wrapped up in a good girl. And that's how I know I'm a woman!

EARLY BIRDOh, if you’re a bird, be an early birdAnd catch the worm for your breakfast plate.If you’re a bird, be an early early bird--But if you’re a worm, sleep late.

Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so?There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.

YOU FEAR TO DIE?"It's not that I don't want... I mean, I've always...it's just that life is a habit that's hard to break...

I've been embarrassing myself since about birth.

To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funnybone.

I had a dream about you last night. The champagne was non-alcoholic. You didn't notice, and laughed at my jokes anyway.

I'm not sure if there's one right place I'm supposed to be, he said, but I know a couple of wrong places I'd give a second try in a heartbeat.

I had a dream about you last night.. you were holding a pine cone and introducing him as Gerald.

...Life is much simpler if you don’t notice anything....

Rock 'n' roll is not red carpets and MySpace friends, rock'n'roll is dangerous and should piss people off

After a long, labored sigh, I said, “She was really happy when I got there. I’m pretty sure she was suicidal when I left.”“You do have that effect on people.

The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.

I had a dream about you last night... you were a giant slinky and I watched you fall down the stairs.

I had a dream about you last night. I could fly. I was going to use this power to impress you, but you were too heavy to carry, so I won you over with my personality instead

I had a dream about you last night... you kept meowing at people and licking yourself it was not unlike you normally.

My father chose my name, and my last name was chosen by my ancestors . That’s enough, I myself choose my way

In life, more than in anything else, it isn’t easy to end up alive.

I had a dream about you. You were lost in a daydream, when I walked in and you began screaming. But I know that could never actually happen. In real life I only enter people’s nightmares.

I had a dream about you last night. The best day of my life was when I taught you how to juggle, but the best day of yours was when you taught someone else.

I was wasting my time, praying for love.For a love that never comes, from someone who does not exist.

I had a dream about you last night.. You were playing with chicken livers and told me everyone was in quarantine.

Тo me, the future doesn’t seem real. It’s just this magical place where I can put my responsibilities so that I don’t have to be scared while hurtling toward failure at eight hundred miles per hour.

I had a dream about you last night.. you were trying to give coordinates to an apple

The worst part of success is trying to find someone who is happy for you.

Life sucks, and then you die...

Write it. Shoot it. Publish it. Crochet it, sauté it, whatever. MAKE.

Every morning when I wake up, I experience an exquisite joy —the joy of being Salvador Dalí— and I ask myself in rapture: What wonderful things is this Salvador Dalí going to accomplish today?

When I get sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead.

All the time you're saying to yourself, 'I could do that, but I won't, ' — which is just another way of saying that you can't.

I never did give them hell. I just told the truth, and they thought it was hell.

90% of the game is half mental.

May the fleas of a thousand camels invade the crotch of the person that ruins your day. And may their arms be to short too scratch

I'm not going to die, I'm going home like a shooting star.

There are few sources of energy so powerful as a procrastinating college student.

Enjoy every ounce of your life, get high and be sincere to anybody that comes around you.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them. We all could.

Jesus!" Luke exclaimed."Actually, it's just me, " said Simon. "Although I've been told the resemblance is startling.

Be careful about reading health books. Some fine day you'll die of a misprint.

Have you ever noticed how ‘What the hell’ is always the right decision to make?

Creativity is knowing how to hide your sources

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people is suffering from a mental illness. Look at your 3 best friends. If they're ok, then it's you.

Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day, but set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life.

Is it true that you shouted at Professor Umbridge?""Yes.""You called her a liar?""Yes.""You told her He Who Must Not Be Named is back?""Yes.""Have a biscuit, Potter.

When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'.

Death's got an Invisibility Cloak?" Harry interrupted again."So he can sneak up on people, " said Ron. "Sometimes he gets bored of running at them, flapping his arms and shrieking...

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.