Humor Quotes

I type a 101 words a minute. But it's in my own language.

A fly was very close to being called a land, because that's what it does half the time.

This one commercial said, "Forget everything you know about slipcovers." So I did, and it was a load off of my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell slipcovers, but I didn't know what they were!

I've got a wallet, it's orange. In case I wanna buy a deer. That doesn't make any sense at all.

I had a paper route when I was a kid. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses. Or two dumpsters.

I saw on HBO they were advertising a boxing match "It's a fight to the finish". That's a good place to end.

If I'm out to dinner with a group of friends, and somebody offers to pay for the check, I immediately reach for my wallet. Inside is a note that says, "Say thanks!"

I don't like grouper fish. Well, they're okay. They hang around star fish. Because they're grouper fish.

I have no problem not listening to the Temptations.

I'm a hard act to follow, because when I'm done, I take the microphone with me.

I hate arrows. They try to tell me which direction to go. It's like "I ain't going that way, line with two thirds of a triangle on the end!"

I got two stools, in case I want to sit down and sit down again on something else.

I have some speakers up here, thank God, because last night I didn't have them and I was telling jokes and I had no idea which joke I was telling. So I told jokes twice. I even told that one twice.

I like to smoke a pipe, because it's the punch line indicator. Whenever I take a hit of the pipe, you should be laughing.

I didn't go to college, but if I did, I would've taken all my tests at a restaurant, 'cause 'The customer is always right'.

I don't want to have my face on the cover of a Wheaties box. I wanna have my face on the cover of a Rice Krispies box. "Snap, Krackle, Mitch and Pop"!

I travel with a boom box. When I get on a plane, I stuff the power cord for the boom box into the battery compartment. From an outsider's point of view, it looks like I've got it all wrong.

I have a "Do Not Disturb" sign on my hotel door. It's time to go to "Don't Disturb". It's been "Do Not" for too long. We should embrace the contraction.

I like to wear a "Do Not Disturb" sign around my neck so that little kids can't tell me knock-knock jokes. "Hey, how ya doin'? Knock-knock." "Read the sign, punk!"

So, I sit at the hotel at night and I think of something that's funny. Or, If the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of wasn't funny.

I've never stayed at a bed and breakfast. If I did, I figure you would start to get hungry! "Is that all you got around here? Well, maybe you can direct me to a chair lunch dinner."

I saw a guy juggling chain saws, it was cool, unless something needed to be sawed down, then it's annoying.

I've always wanted to have a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist. That's not a full joke there! It's filler.

I sometimes close my eyes during a show because I have drawn a picture of an audience enjoying the show more on the back of my eyelids.

I went to a cigar store, the man behind the counter asked me, "What kind of cigars do you like?" I answered, "It's a Boys."

I had to take a physical to do this show. They had a lot of weird questions like, "Have you ever tried sugar or PCP?"

Knock on wood is a saying for good luck. I think that started when someone went to someone's door to see if someone was home. "I hope Joe's home, knock on wood!"

If I was a locksmith, I'd be pimping that out man. I'll trade you a free key duplication for. That joke made me laugh before I could finish it, which is good, because it had no ending.

Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine.

It's hard to fight when you're in a gazebo.

I called the hotel operator and she said, "How can I direct your call?" I said, "Well, you could say 'Action!', and I'll begin to dial. And when I say 'Goodbye', then you can yell 'Cut!'"

I'm sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It's time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now On is.

I heard a guy tell me he liked cherries. I waited to hear if he was going to say "tomatoes", then I realized he like cherries just. That joke is ridiculous.

Nobody's safe, humor wise.

Lily Tomlin said something years ago, and I'm paraphrasing, that you have to find humor in everything, because by finding humor, you find humanity.

Do you know why the Lord withheld the sense of humor from women? So that we may love you instead of laugh at you.

We often laughed at others in our house, and I picked up the craft of being polite while people were present and laughing later if there was anything to laugh about.

Why have they been telling us women lately that we have no sense of humor -- when we are always laughing? . . . and when we're not laughing, we're smiling.

When you lose your sense of humor, get a job running an elevator, because your life will be a series of Ups and Downs anyway.

The way that I approach music has a bit of a sense of humor to it. Something slightly different that people can still relate to.

I wish his music came out of the closet and admit that it sucks.

Don't be intimidated by my outfit, it's Forever 21.

TLC should stand for Toddlers, Lunatics, and Cake.

Ke$ha IS the walk of shame.

How are you gonna make an 'idol' from the type of person you're trying to avoid in real life?

Have you heard his new song? 'Cause he thinks he's a black man now.

The waiters in France could all be senators in the US.

As a kid, I loved Godot because of the poetry and the humor and the strangeness, but then as you get older, its much more resonant.

I grew up being educated by Sesame Street and gained a sense of humor from The Muppet Show. I'd give my right foot to be able to do a scene or two with the Muppets.

Seinfeld has his way of telling jokes - and I'm not comparing myself to Seinfeld, his genius is observing the small details of everyday life and finding humor in it.