Funny Quotes

With faces entirely invisible through suits, it was hard to be sure, but my impression was that he was watching me and copying my every move. I felt this proved he was intelligent.

Reality Sucks, I want my dreams back.

If, as I have reason to believe, I have disintegrated the nucleus of the atom, this is of greater significance than th

If there is a god maybe it rewards those who don't believe on the basis of insufficient evidence--and punishes those who do.

I don't believe in God, I only believe in Al Pacino, and that's the truth.

What did the mat say to the door? You must be really aDOORable to open up to everyone who knock at you. And I welcome everyone and what do I get? People stepping all over me

The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.

Brains are like toddlers. They are wonderful and should be treasured, but that doesn’t mean you should trust them to take care of you in an avalanche or process serotonin effectively.

Well, enough of this introspection. It’s depressing, quite frankly.

There are only two profound ways to reach enlightenment: Laugh by yourself, or get tickled.

When I need some striking inspiration about deep depression for my new painting, I just need to go to check my bank account...

If you want to save your child from polio, you can pray or you can inoculate. ... Choose science.

Life isn't over until you're dead. Another ultra-positive, ultra-motivational tweet to improve your day. You're welcome.

I've nothing against people. Just a***oles. But then, most people are.

On a supra human level, yeah, I got That Which Is. Yet on a simple human level, rare are times when either my left or my right foot is not in some kind of shit.

What doesn't kill you makes you CRAZY, GRUMPY, MAD AS EVER? NO it makes you STRONGER! Yep, you'll get there eventually!

Life is an unfinished art, few master it, most just bark.

Your brain is not only the material inside your cranium, its something to be explored, developed and refined

don't try to hate me or even judging my attitude anyway you are gonna fall in love.

Repetition will be repeated

No, I don't like you, I just thought you were cute enough to kiss you.

All humans learn from each other's mistakes. Intelligent humans learn how to avoid them, idiots how to do them.

There is a lot to learn about love and positions.

Thanks. Seriously, you must have better things to do with your life than waste it on the hopeless?''I've already learned Parseltongue. What else is there?''Elvish.

Want to enjoy an restful day? Wake up, turn your phone on, meditate, look at the sky—then toss your phone into the bushes.

If you see the light at the end of the tunnel, you’re lookingthrough binoculars the wrongway

Is the diameter of your index finger equal to or greater than the diameter of a super absorbency tampon?

You’re going to be trouble, aren’t you?”“Not if you give me everything I want.”“We’ll see.

You're sad? I'll cheer you up. You're upset? I'd love to listen. All you have to do is come to me, you know I'll be there for you.

True love is jealousy in disguise: A man cannot restrict his lover from going to the club because he hates her, he actually hates the men who would come around and touch her.

Each one you take is a commitment. If you break that commitment, the gods of alcohol will punish you with a hangover so bad you'll think Satan himself took a dump on you. -Milo

Don't come closer to me at any time without make-up. I may slap and make you feel the taste of death.

I pretend he doesn’t exist, and he does the same with me.

If a religious book makes you harbor ill thoughts about those with differing faith, then, you're reading the wrong crap of late.

Worrying is like praying for crap!

At least I rescued your poor hot dog.

Remember, the village idiot was the spiritual man who built the ark and saved his family. Keep being you and never give up marching to the beat of your own drum!

I believe great things are ahead for each of us. Now we just have to go ahead and create them.

Nobody knows what is life and still alive

Lila!" he said cheerfully. "So you aren't a figment of my brothers imagination after all.

Better to have to retrace your steps and then move forward than never to move forward at all.

You aren’t allowed back until you’ve learned to willingly suspend disbelief.

Us is my favorite people.

Greg: Scott, great horde.My realization was that I could never *actually* live a life where I had to be constantly doing things like praising a dude's horde.So that made me feel better about myself.

I wasn't concerned, but I was thinking that the fastest way to get your mind off him and on me would be to tell you something truly appalling about him.

I'm friends with a guy who is friends with a former Playboy model. So I guess you could say I'm 1 degree away from 212 degrees.

Satisfaction is not the achievement of what we want, but the awareness of what we have.

Don't let your teeth make you lose respect by permanently keeping them opened for the sake of being friendly.

You were spying on me?" I repeated, this time my tone was stern."Nonsense! I was making sure you were safe." He answered, fluttering his wings and landing in front of me. "That's what friends do.

My mother raised her eyebrow, and murmured, “And to think I was always worried that you didn’t have any friends. I suppose I should have been counting my blessings.