Funny Quotes

It's not hard to fail...it's hard to accept you failed...but once that's out of the way, it's pretty smooth sailing

Be nice to people on your way up, because you'll land on them on your way down

I will take all my rights! Can you deliver them to my house?

Some people stride toward a better future. Others have chauffeurs.

Phones are only good for ordering pizza and telling someone you're running late

It's not over till the fat lady eats!

Life is funny, when you are young you want to be older and those that are older wish to be younger.

I've never written a quote I feel would be suitable for my gravestone. Wouldn't it be ironic if it were this one? Oh, and could you pull a few weeds while you're here?

The best cure for a stick up your butt is a dog to play fetch with.

Part of my soul goes into each quote I write. A book of my quotes can be yours for just $19.99.

Never give up hope! If you do, you be dead already.

[An example of misattribution:]If you don’t know the source of a quote, you can always make it sound better by attributing it to me.— Mark Twain

Pause while reading a book only in case of two things:1. To kiss2. To sip coffeeToo bad both are a luxury.

Who would have ever thought going to a library would be so scary?

I guess it’s worth a shot.” More than likely a wasted bullet, but I’ll fire anyway.

Its funny when people recently change their attitude to gain entrance into your heart, which may only ignite your passion to close the door.

The moment was surreal. A sometimes-autistic young man with two identities lecturing a room full of zombies on feelings and realities.

It was all fine until the girls started drinking. (Everything is always fine up until that point.)

We were not actually famous, I have to add. People were just drunk.

Life is like butter - when things cool down it can be reshaped

Nothing has to be funny, sometimes I just laugh to unclog my soul.

In Paris, choosing a dress is a monumental decision. In Milan, it’s a kick.

Laughter is the only medicine, without side effects.

If you are reading this then you have wasted another day of your life day dreaming, rather than planning the life God intended you to live.

In spite of being complicated people choose superstitions over common sense.

An angry wife can be more frightening than an army of disgruntled soldiers.

More you know, better advice you give. Less you know, more advice you give.

The primary feature of women is not a 'beauty', it's a 'mystery'.

I don't understand this irony - valuable things like cars, gold, diamond are made up of hard materials but most valuable things like money, contracts and books are made up of soft paper.

Reading is the noblest of all the hobbies, that is why people mention it so frequently in their resume even if they don't read much.

People worried too much about their children. Suffering when you're young is good for you. It immunized your body and soul...

Mama!' Rosie tugged on my shirt. 'This broccoli is tasty and wonderful'.

Your pretense does not fool me, gnome. My eye will be upon you.

Just when you see a kid selling a mascot, If you don't buy it because he winks, Not only that will be considered a "boycott", Xenophobically, it will also be a jinx!

She must have been very anxious about a first boy friend to fall in love with a Colgate boy

That's not what I'm asking. I'm asking, what's your vice and what brand of trouble does it lead to?

Suddenly, a voice called from the darkness. Taylor leapt like a salmon, then became rooted to the spot like a tin of salmon.

Am Anfang war Gott? It may have been true, but it was not germane.

I felt bad for the girls in my school, who flocked to prom like it was the second coming of Christ, complete with double-rainbows and unicorns.

Manners without sincerity, is called polite society

Jenna, standing in the doorway with her mouth and hand full of shelled pistachios, says, '"Real' is a dirty word in this place'.

You're FAT - and don't try to sugarcoat it, because you'll just eat that, too.

My mother, my psychiatrist and an assortment of sedatives eventually convinced me I was delusional.

I'm done with those

In my sleep I have my nightmares, awake I have my thoughts, I am not sure which is worse.

Cricket could barely believe her eyes... but when that shotgun went off with a boom, so did the snake. Up until yesterday, Cricket has never seen a snake fly!

The majority of boys think the highest form of creativity is weeing a pattern into snow.

Look under your bed and you will know the greatest thief in your room.

Soak blanket in gravy and make a delicious brick wrap. Serve in All Gravy Room at the Mandrake Hotel.

Are you afraid of the future? That is funny because future does not exist yet! Future is not even a shadow, because shadow exists! Let go your fear and concentrate on the present time!