Funny Quotes

Not dead-dying. Funny how two things could be so similar and yet so far apart

On his telepathic understanding with James Worthy- It's almost like we have ESPN.

I watch vlogs on YouTube. I watch Jenna Marbles a lot - I think she's really funny - and a lady called Daily Grace.

It's so funny, actors usually have a directing ambition. I've got no ambition for directing.

A women knows how to keep quiet when she is in the right, whereas a man, when he is in the right, will keep on talking.

Without the New York Times, there is no blog community. They'd have nothing to blog about.

Who doesnt love a funny girl who can look sexy at the same time?

Anyone who thinks it’s funny to name their network "Tom’sHugeEtc" is going to think it’s funny that one of his neighbors is also named Tom and is embarrassed by it.

Robin [Williams], he's pretty dynamic. I had a lot of fun but I also felt like there was no onus on me to be funny.

David Sedaris wrote in one of his books that people like to make children into little grown-ups, which to him is about as funny as a dog in sunglasses.

People want to bring kids to their level, and they want to make it seem like kids have this thing. It's seen as funny to them.

I look forward to the invention of faster-than-light travel. What I'm not looking forward to is the long wait in the dark once I arrive at my destination.

The next evolutionary step is into the screen.

In show business, it takes 10 years to create an overnight success. You've heard that, right? But what you don't hear is that that's the exact same amount of time it takes to create a bitter failure.

I live in Los Angeles, I know it exists. I know you're not supposed to taste air.

He does have that weird mixture of born again Christian and stupid that some people mistake for courage and focus.

I'm not against people just being funny or telling stories. I don't need to delve into the soft, dark core all the time. If it happens, it happens.

I always thought I was funny, but I was very sensitive, and very provocative just to get a rise out of people.

I was married once before, and I stopped.

My dad is actually a manic depressive, which is very exciting half the time.

People who laugh so heartily at what they themselves have said, when it is not funny, dispense us accordingly, by taking upon themselves the responsibility for the mirth, from joining in it.

My good intentions are completely lethal.

I particularly like Twitter, because it's short and can be very funny and informative. It's a little bit like having your own radio program.

A lot of the stuff Kafka said he thought was hilariously funny.

I taught Sunday School for two years. And I got fired. I abused my authority. I used to teach class like this, "OK, if one more person talks, everybody is going to Hell."

I can never tell when something is funny. I just have to do it onstage and find out.

My parents are very funny when they have to deal with anything racy or off-color. They usually pretend they don't speak English.

There's a lot of guy comics who I think are funny, but I generally am more excited about a special or a show where there are females.

... it is curious how fatal it is, either to a situation or to an individual, or even to a name, if in an evil moment it becomes funny.

My way of looking at the world is that if it is true, it is funny and it is dark. No matter how dark it is, I just think it is funny. I can't help it.

I like to make jokes; I consider myself a funny person. I just think making jokes about people who are in a situation beyond their control is not funny to them or their families.

You had lots of visitors, but they were all quiet." "Oh real funny. Tease the blind man." ~Trella to Logan, pg. 114-115

I loved Jordan. He was one of the greatest athletes of our time.

If the King's English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for me!

It's funny how the night that changes your life forever starts out like all the others.

My wife is so funny and talented and never lets anybody fail next to her.

If you don't follow the stock market, you are missing some amazing drama.

When I started writing this blog more than years ago, it was in response to traditional media's habit of twisting interviews to fit the headlines they wanted to create.

Everyone's crazy except you and me.

It's funny how the closer you get to God, the more you realize how far you are from Him.

Thats not a place where I'm considered good-looking.

I want to do drama - no one really sees that. People just think I'm the funny guy and I can't do anything else, and that's just not true.

I do jokes about what's funny, and both sides are funny.

When somebody says, "The last thing I want to do is hurt you," it means they've got other things to do first.

There are people who know Hillary Clinton who tell wonderful stories about her, how likable she is, how funny she is; 99 percent of American people don't - have never seen that side of her.

I find that the further I go back, the better things were, whether they happened or not.

It used to take me all vacation to grow a new hide in place of the one they flogged off me during school term.

That cat will write her autograph all over your leg if you let her.

I always feel bad laughing at people who act crazy. But sometimes the things they do are so damned funny. I wonder what I'd look like if I slipped a few notches on the mental-health index.

I watch things that are fun, or funny, or interesting.