Mallory Ortberg Quotes
If you don't like potlucks, the solution to your problem is "don't go to potlucks," not "insist other people don't have them."
Reconciliation is not possible when one party asks the other to obliterate all signs of their relationship.
Bad dental hygiene can lead to respiratory infections and an increased risk for heart disease and strokes.
Depression cannot be overcome by listing a series of good things in one's life, any more than a broken foot can be healed by thinking about all the other bones you have that aren't broken.
So many people choose silence after the immediate wake of a death out of fear of saying something out of turn or "bringing up bad memories" that bereaved people often feel forgotten.
There has to be some kind of personal hygiene bar that a person needs to clear in order for a relationship to be successful.
You can care very much about someone without being capable of becoming their primary caregiver in the event of their parents' untimely death.
LGBT youth face a much higher risk of violence and homelessness after being rejected by their family of origin.
It's one thing to be a high achiever; it's quite another to privately sneer at your girlfriend's friends after feigning friendliness because they have the "misfortune" to drive a bus for a living.
Asexuality does not make our lives any worse or any better, we just face a different set of challenges than most sexual people.
Addicts sometimes have a penchant for becoming the center of attention at other people's celebrations.
Anyone who wants to pretend that your Huntington's disease is an invention is someone who does not have your best interests at heart.
If you get a dog, take care of your dog! You can just not have a dog if you don't feel like taking care of one, it's very easy to not have a dog.
If someone you know is diagnosed with cancer, give them a call or send them a letter to tell them how sorry you are and to let them know how much you care.
There's simply no way you can tell a woman you work with that you disapprove of her relationship with her adult child, no matter how much you think it would be better for him to move out.
There are few things more disconcerting than realizing the first date you thought went so well was in fact a dud.
An adult woman should not be so possessive of her own birthday that she begrudges her friends the chance to get married on the same day.
Tenancy laws can be so complicated; I want to make sure OP is protected as much as possible.
You can't prevent a possible future closeness between your upcoming child and one or more of their grandparents.
Some struggling marriages can be salvaged with hard work and counseling; others should be dismantled and stripped for parts.
If just one person touches you without your permission, stepping back and saying clearly, "Please don't touch me" should get them to stop.
Enjoy your relationship with your boyfriend and don't worry about the people or situations you dream about. Once you wake up, they're over; let them go.
If you’re so forgetful that you’re incapable of remembering that a co-worker isn’t pregnant on three separate occasions in as many months, I worry about your memory and cognition skills.
You need to be able to express your resentment and sense of loss in a way that doesn't damage your partner.
Anyone who thinks it’s funny to name their network "Tom’sHugeEtc" is going to think it’s funny that one of his neighbors is also named Tom and is embarrassed by it.
You don't need to hide the fact that you're in recovery, but you don't have to share your history of addiction with acquaintances at work, either.
The mere idea of asking a family member if they intentionally stopped sending me an annual bonus makes me feel like breaking out in hives.
If and when you do decide to share your experience with your husband, it should be because you feel ready to do so, not for any other reason.
One of the glorious things about being a person in the world is that you don't have to worry about whether or not someone else is trying to be creepy.
Worrying seems like a fairly natural state of being for a parent, so feel free to worry as much as you want.
You may not be able to convince everyone around you that you're doing the right thing, but you don't have to subject yourself to endless second-guessing from others, either.
Unlike celibacy, which people choose, asexuality is an intrinsic part of who we are.
You, too, will someday die, perhaps under inconvenient circumstances, at a time when you do not particularly wish to, and for causes that you cannot yet predict.
In no state in America is it legal for a landlord to demand their tenants lead a "healthy lifestyle" in order to rent property.
The hardest part about being ghosted is the fact that you can't deal with the ghoster directly. You just never hear from them again, and everything feels odd and incomplete.
Don't badger people without children into admitting the secret desire for children you're sure they have to you! Don't badger anyone! Leave the badgering to the badgers.
You have a wonderful opportunity here to not care about something that doesn’t matter to you. Please don’t miss out on it.
Five-foot-8 is a perfectly normal height for a woman - it's slightly but not at all unusually tall and certainly shouldn't be causing you any torment.
Your partner cannot fault you for refusing to host a perpetual-motion party or for the fact that you must sleep and will eventually die.
Periodontal bacteria can easily slip into the bloodstream and cause infection elsewhere in the body.
It's OK to tell your partner to objectify you. That's part of the fun of having a partner.
