Funny Quotes

The service at this airport restaurant is so bad I'm starting to panic that I'm a ghost.

A kiss is like a fight, with mouths.

I'm just happy our nations are on the same page of keeping shitty reality TV on the air. Small world!

If you are feeling overly optimistic the Republican Candidates Debate is on.

One good thing about being locked in a cage: No responsibility!

At first the kid kicking the back of my airplane seat was enraging. Then I imagined it was a broken massage chair and I kinda liked it.

If I'm having a fancy glass of champagne, I'll always mix it with the champagne of beers. Because I deserve all the champagnes.

Oh man, the car could just burst into flames right now and this would be the way to go, huh guys?

I would imagine that Bret would taste like a warm goat cheese, and Jemaine would taste like harvati with dill. Hmm...I'm hungry actually.

Mel: What was your name again? Rain: Rain. Mel: Oh that's nice. Kind of like bad weather.

You're looking good today Bret. Very hot... hotter than Jemaine. You have a refined bone structure, while Jemaine's facial features are too deep set to be classically handsome.

Some women were talking about how I put out. And that's just not that case. I don't put out - unless I'm asked very, very politely, and that's not putting out, that's just giving in.

Just because I'm married to Doug doesn't mean I can't be here for you.

It's funny when you can actually relate to the fans on a human level and it happens all the time. People assume that's impossible. So when that happens it's a cool thing.

I can't draw a line between myself and stuff that I do. It's funny, I don't want to sound like it's just about this, but really with everything I do, it's hard for me to take myself out of it.

I do a lot of comedy and I like that. I am happy doing funny films. I am often the straight person in a comedy, which is great as long as there are talented people to work with.

So many funny things happen to me everyday I should have a TV show.

You can only be funny if you have matters of great importance on your mind.

No good at life, but very funny sometimes with the commentary.

Jack Benny, Fred Allen. Their jokes were wonderful. It takes skill to be funny. The timing of Jack Benny was so fine. It is a form of genius for which we should be grateful.

I myself grew up when radio was very important. I'd come home from school and turn on the radio. There were funny comedians and wonderful music, and there were plays. I used to pass time with radio.

A pope going through a faith crisis would be funny to see.

Alma: I rather suspect her of being in love with him. Martin: Her own husband? Monstrous! What a selfish woman!

It was funny, she thought, but her smile turned wistful because she had nobody to tell.

I wrote an entire movie [Man up] about how important I think voices are, so it was funny.

What's the trick to writing a genuinely funny comedy? The trick is therapy. Take notes.

It's funny, because I have periods where I just kind of go dark. I don't tweet, I don't talk, I don't interview, and then I have times where I do.

It is, ... kind of a softball atmosphere out there.

It's funny, because in drama school, my greatest strength was my range. So my early career was like that: I played all kinds of different characters.

The further one goes, the less (he realizes he) one knows.

In school I was always the funny-looking, tall, skinny kid that got made fun of because of my weird teeth.

I'm surprized Hitler didn't round up the toupee people.

Comedy is not funny. Comedy is hard work and timing and lots and lots of rehearsals.

As I get older, the character evolves tremendously because I'm married and have kids now and realize certain things are not funny anymore. I threw them out of my act.

My biggest influence is someone I really don't know at all: Tina Fey. Smart, funny, beautiful, self-deprecating, also a mom and a wife.

Just because you're a belter doesn't make you funny; it just means that's how your pipes are set up.

You can hardly tell where the computer models finish and the real dinosaurs begin

I'm still going on bad dates when by now I should be in a bad marriage.

Yes, Louise Brooks was beautiful and intelligent, and she could be very funny, but obviously there was a deep insecurity there, a real destructive rage and immaturity.

I have little sister Lola, she is small and very funny.

Writing a memoir isn't particularly interesting to me. I'm not like Ellen [DeGeneres], where I can write, 'Water bottles--they're crazy!' and it's funny.

You know it’s them books what make you talk funny.

Funny how certain things stay with you.

It's funny how you can know your friends so well, but you still end up playing the same games with them.

Funny how time heals. Like that bullet in my ribs. It's there, I know it's there, but I can barely feel it at all anymore.

I am far from sure when I am acting and when I am not or, should I more frankly put it, when I am lying and when I am not. For what is acting but lying and what is good acting but convincing lying?

Death is funny, when you think about it. Everybody does it, but nobody knows how, exactly how.

I want to be in 'Funny Girl.' And I want Ryan Murphy to direct it.

We played well all the way until, like, the second quarter.

When I had my daughter, Louisanna, two and a half years ago, I started recording every funny or sweet thing she said or did on my phone.