Comedy Quotes
. . .Tell me, Clare: why on earth would a lovely girl like you want to marry H
Step one, accept she was a damn boss. Step two, hide all the knives, guns, and maybe the pillows, too.
She stopped at the desk and held up a can for his view. "This looks like an ordinary hairspray can, right?""Of course." he said though he had no idea what hairspray was.
What was that you gave me to eat?" Winter panicked.A Filler Crisp, " Clover said, his eyes seventy percent concerned and thirty percent mischievous.
You guys are weird, " Tori said.Simon sat on the crate beside me. "That's right. We are totally weird and completely uncool. Your popularity is plummeting just by being near us.
I can't see anything" he said in a muffled voice, hand over his eyes. "I'm blind.
Are you going to answer my questions, or do I have to whack you with a stick until delicious candy surprises fall out?
Fine, I'll touch you, briefly, but only because you sound like you need the praise that your body's hot, and I'm totally selfless like that.
The lot of the brideto be wed before beddesired until rotten.The lot of the authorto be read before bedadmired then forgotten.
Bob, would you be willing to take on Evil Bob?"Bob's eyes darted nervously. "I'd . . . prefer not to. I'd really, really prefer not to. You have no idea. That me was crazy. And buff. He worked out.
I can’t believe I’ve missed this sport. It’s all about fingering holes and caressing balls.
The wider you spread your fingers apart while clapping is equal to the amount of retarded you look while clapping.
Huge Jackman has divorced his wife and happened upon my picture in some old article and decided that I'm the woman for him?~ Susan
He’d spent so much time in the penalty box for fighting last season, he’d been tempted to hang a picture and maybe set up a lava lamp, it had felt so much like home
Satan impregnated my mother one lovely spring morning. We didn’t have the heart to tell my father.
The man in 4B wondered if he could have your autograph. He told me his daughter is a huge f
Pops added, "you know, they say if you don't vote, you get the government you deserve.""And if you do, you never get the results you expected, " (Katherine) replied.
Slap-stick comedy is really funny, unless you're the one getting slapped with the stick.
A man is always devoted to something more tangible than a woman - the idea of her.
Shit, " Delia said. "I mean, shoot. No, actually, I mean shit. I really do.
Every child that receives life advice should keep in mind that in every parent’s past, there’s leftover booze and contraceptives.
When someone gives me either a democratic or republican pamphlet, I throw it in their face. I’m a librarian, damn it! We only take book donations.
Well, child? Aren't you going to try to turn me into some kind of unspeakable creature?I don't think I shall bother, madam, seeing as you are making such a good job of it yourself!
Your on your on with this one babe.""Coward.""Calling me names isn't going to get me in there."-Ranger and Stephanie
Guess we're going north, " Dev said slowly."Everyone, follow Lassie.Timmy's in the well.
Men were good for one thing only. Killing spiders. Other than that, I was on my own. It was sad though. Where was the chivalry of yesteryear?
What is it? Tens, I can see the stick up your arse from here. I'm dying remember? Dying people don't have time for silly moods
We have allowed the system to be so corrupted that many want justice to be "empathetic, " not blind.
Cole, for Christ's sake, will you stop staring at me like I'm beefcake of the month?
Our family was nearly torn apart on several occasions by arguments started when the refrigerator door was open for what my father deemed as ‘too long.
Especially well known around the office is my weakness for dyspareunist women. Most people would find such disparity in unity repelling, but it harmonizes perfectly with my personal tastes.
The x-ray of your skull shows a large, flobby mass floating inside. I have to consult my colleagues to be certain, but it looks like a long sausage snarled into a lump.
Answers to Frequently Asked Questions:Yes.Yes.No.One time in high school.Three times in my twenties.Rocks no salt.Yes.Four.Never. And how dare you!I will take no further questions.
This is the biggest damn IPod I've ever seen, " Claire said, which made him choke on his beer. "Kidding. I have seen a jukebox before.
They came out in a dim, damp basement - a generic sort of place, full of moulding boxes. 'You take me to the nicest places, ' Claire said, and sneezed.
Alex the waiter was on my Spank Naughty list in third place, right after Henry Calvill the actor, then Henry Calvill as Superman. He was proof that God existed, and that God loved straight women.
Dave walked closer to me, his dark eyes combing my every move. "Do you always hold your guitar like that?"I dropped my pick. "Do you always shop at Hot Topic?
Zeb was kindergarten teacher--a good one. I always thought it was because he was the same emotional age as his students.
I happen to be a fantastic kisser. Sadly, you will never get to find out.”“Never say never, ” he answers in a singsong voice.“Thanks for that, Justin Bieber. But yeah, not going to happen, dude.
Faculty Meetings are held whenever the need to show off is combinedwith the imperative of accomplishing nothing.
You didn't have to go to the fireworks with him. Or - or let him fondle you.""Fondle?" Raisa raised her eyebrows, "When did I mention fondling?
What the hell am I doing...? Escape holding myself as a hostage...? I won't be able to make it like that...
Henry narrowed his eyes at me. "You going somewhere?""Lacrosse field trip, " I said. "I enjoy whacking the hell out of people with mallets.
Treat each other like human beings? But the other great apes have no class hierarchy.