Comedy Quotes
I will call bullshit on that so many times that the word bullshit will lose all meaning. -Milo
When someone gives you advice, just ask them to give it in writing and they will either keep mum or will run from there.
Women who seek advice from single women about getting a man is like asking a homeless man how to be rich.
I liked my face. Ethan liked my face. A lot of people liked my face. Besides, makeup was really just glorified face paint.
Unhealthy behavior is actually common among doctors, who tend to know a lot about medicine but very little about health.
I DON’T KNOW! I HAVE NO FREAKIN’ IDEA. I’M ONLY FIFTEEN. I want my mom.
Yes, from drinking too much beer and generally being a tyrannical egomaniac.
It's just...how do I put this? Maybe it's just hard for me to imagine turning down something that's so much harder for someone like me to find.
You know what the secret to a happy life is?""No regrets. Just live in the moment.
Ish #19 "If your diet soda has zero calories, zero sugar and zero fat, what the hell are you drinking?
Webster said, ''Time them skeeters get done with that old man, his French blood will be all gone and he will speak American as good as we do.
I am in the prime of my womanhood, nunga-nungas poised and trembling (attractively). Lips puckered up and in peak condition for a snogging fest.
Miss Green can call a turd a rose if she wants, but that don't mean people's going to be lining up to smell it.
Ladies glisten, men perspire, horses sweat.-Early Nun Quote, The Old Ursuline Convent (1727) New Orleans, LA
He had spoken with such absolute confidence that I knew he had to be blowing this out of his rectal orifice.
Yesterday is a pile of rubble. Today is a pile of opportunity. Life takes a new dump each morning
There is no point in housing troubles inside your underwear if you can’t solve them by yourself.
Is that the biggest favor your vocal cords have done to anyone this week?
The only person who worries about my mother is God, and that's only because she wants His job.
He has been mad for you these many months, ever since you prodded him in the nether regions with a hedgehog.
Great, Alexia thought, I have gone from soul sucker to electrical ground. The epithets just get sweeter and sweeter.
Yo Mama’s so ugly, her Mama had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her.
Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse kick you in the face.
Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.
Yo Mama’s so old, her memory is in black and white.
Yo Mama’s so ugly, her dentist treats her by mail order.
Yo Mama’s so ugly that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.
Yo Mama’s so ugly, when she joined an ugly contest, they said, “Sorry, no professionals.
If Yo Mama and Yo Daddy got a divorce, they'd still be brother and sister.
Yo Mama's like mustard, she spreads easy.
Yo Mama sucks so much d***, her lips went double platinum.
What’s the difference between Yo Mama and a 747?-About 20 pounds.-Yo mama carries more passengers.-Not everyone's been on a 747.
Yo Mama's like a library, open to the public.
Yo Mama's so fat her butt cheeks have different area codes.
