Comedy Quotes
Wisdom of the Ages: "Brian Williams Week" Now that NBC is giving him a sixth month "leave" I wonder if he will be "Killing Time-In Saudi Arabia!
Everyone has someone to call on when they're down, let me be that someone when that ones not around.
There comes a time in every woman's life where she will decide to eat cookie dough. It is when and how that truly defines her.
If you want to keep people happy, just keep the food and entertainment rolling.
Did we really come all that way?" She asked. "Time flies when you're scared out of your mind." He answered.
Sometimes we know people who aretoo wonderful for words. I am not one of them.Or you, for that matter, as you well know.
And the challenge in the next round would be determined by the winner of this test. "Like, what, the DOM-matrix?" ~Tara Reese
Anna gave her that disjointed look with which so many people regarded Hannah, as if they has fallen too many words behind to ever catch up.
Am I higher or lower than she? It was always the vital question for Anna: who was superior, and how she could position herself so that she would be perceived as superior?
I'm rarely rude except accidentally, and that doesn't really count...
Life is way too short, so try to enjoy every minute of it with a sense of humor!
If the pen is mightier than the sword, a sharpie must be plain deadly!
Worry wasn’t an emotion to which he was particularly accustomed—and it worried him.
If that's the case, waiter, please bring me another piece of cake, " Gramps said as lunch was brought to the table, "I'm all for fighting tyranny and oppression.
Diesel sucked air. "You keep fondling me like that, and I might have to marry you.""I'm not fondling you. I'm looking for the keys!""Could you look a little more gently? You're scaring my boys.
They were Republicans, Nixon Republicans, and so didn't subscribe to the notion that laws are supposed to apply to all people equally.
As a comedian, the more you commit the sin of stupidity, three essential things happen to your life:~people applaud you incessantly.~love you more than their parents.~give you a daily bread.
How many beers do y'all think it takes before one internationally scientist turns to another and says, 'Dude, bet you twenty bucks I can levitate a frog with a magnet?' ' Sam drawled.
Trust me. You’re a constant riddle with an ever-changing solution." ~ FBI Special Agent Clive Poole to Maggie Mae Castro
Communist until you get rich. Feminist until you get married. Atheist until the airplane starts falling.
I just called you corny and said you were wearing a green dress. That's, like, the least flirtatious thing anyone's ever
I began to think I quite liked her really. It's always so nice to meet someone more badly behaved than oneself.
Thought for the day: Twitter...140 character limit...must be a great tool for fortune cookie writers...
Lovely, not only did the truck look like it was on its last leg, it was going to take the environment with it.
I wouldn't miss this fake-homo show for all the Gucci Shoes on Rodeo Drive.
The first sign that Karma was now in cahoots with the Devil Incarnate to ruin her existance should've been before sunrise and pre-coffee.
Don't be so damned patronizing. Your performance so far has been a little less than dazzling.""I didn't mean no harm, " I said and kissed her. "That a new dress?""Ah! Changing the subject, you coward.
Whenever I'm running an hour late for for work, it always makes me feel better when I can leave an hour early at the end of the day to make up for it.
You know, I can’t wait for her to gets married because hell is made of fire and she said it would be frozen before she gots married again.” ~ Anna Kate
I guess the breakfast burritos are going to have some extra protein in the morning.
I don't think the heavy stuff is gonna come down for quite a while!” ― Bill Murray character in Cadyshack
What do you call a rifle with three barrels?A trifle.
I'm OK with being single, but I'm not OK when the time comes where I have to move my furniture around and to change the high ceiling light balls...
When you paint late at night, drinking beer or wine or both, you gotta be very careful to watch what you are doing...
yes, i have dated Salvador Dali guy when i was a high school girl. he was a great lover. but i had to dump him because he stole my inspiration of bent clock*~* .... who cares...
When you argue with someone, you always argue at the level of the person with the lowest level of intelligence. You never argue up.
Democracy was supposed to champion freedom of speech, and yet the simple rules of table decorum could clamp down on the rights their forefathers had fought and died for.
People in third world countries aren't living in poverty, they're living pretty much as nature intended us to live it and putting us all to shame
A celebrity farts, and everyone endures, but the unpopular will be thrased to death.
