Comedy Quotes

As a kid my heart would break for the villains.

Bragging about your compassion is the first step towards feeling a genuine emotion.

I love like I’m thirsty. Can I offer you a tall glass of Sahara sand?

Here for business or pleasure, Mr. Wheeler?""Redemption, " Shane says.

For every guy who loves being a dad, there’s another who realizes too late that he’s created something his wife loves more than him.

You will miss a normal life while living a successful life, but not as much as the craving for a successful life while you were living a normal life.

If you have money but not love you will somehow manage, but if you don't have both then you are in serious trouble.

Not obedience or feelings or respect, there is only one thing which people take seriously at all time and its "money".

Apart from the economic value, money does have high moral value.

Remember: There's a reason the fairy godmother gave Cinderella two glass slippers.

I chase goals, not girls.

The perfect body protects its owner from disease, gives birth to amazing new people and stops your bones from falling out. The end.

If you're stressing over happiness, you're doing it wrong!

I'd love to be what I have been.

That's when it hit me. I had to go through a lot of bad relationships first, but I'd finally found him. My very own Prince Charming. Turns out they do exist.Touché, Cinderella. Touché.

Why are we learning about the past, when this is History?

When I look back on the stuff I used to wear, I wonder why somebody didn't try to stop me. Just a friendly warning, "You may regret this, " would have been fine.

Don't plead with anyone if you were not at fault, you'll only look inferior, stupid and funny, bolster your ego by doing the undoing.

I am not fake, I am just too good to be true (-:

It's not that I can't express myself, it's that I still feel present when I'm not expressing myself.

Never second guess yourself. Or do, maybe. Whatever you feel good about.

Assuming what people want is about as controlled as using fireworks to start a fire.

I’ve written for the waste basket so often that we’ve become friends. He writes too, but it’s mostly garbage.

You still awake?' asked the anesthetist.'Nope, ' I replied.

Some people are street-smart, some people are book-smart, but most people are just dumber than dirt.

He held up his hand, and in it was... Oh, God. The neon-pink vibrator, glowing in the dark now. It was following her, stalking her, all the way down the yellow brick road to hell.

Luck is merely a product of the happily delusional mind.

Life is what you make it. Unless some guy finds you with his girl. Then the ball's pretty much in his court.

You're just so lucky blood's so hard to get out of the carpet.

You're gonna sit down. You're gonna shut up. And by the grace of God Almighty, I ain't gonna kill you.

Every morning I read the obituaries. If it ain't there I make myself a cup of tea and carry on like I have the past century or so.

If there's no sea-gull there's no meeting, Wicklow had said. No sea-gull means abort. That's my epitaph, thought Barley. 'There was no sea-gull, so he aborted.

Do you get a percentage for every soul you corrupt or is this just how you get your kicks?” I enquired.“Take it as a compliment. I only try to corrupt people I like.

The good thing about the aristocracy – German or English – was that they were easily traced, Mirabelle thought.

Though everyone in the bar knew who he was, no one asked him about the death, though one old man did rustle his newspaper suggestively.

The rabbi glanced over glumly from behind the jail bars. 'My faith in God is fine, ' he said. 'It's people I'm not so sure about.

Indignation is often the best defense.

He had learned Lesson One: Let French women tell you what they want.

I feel like I've been ironing all day in high heels and no brassiere. ~Tizzy Donovan, Laid Out and Candle Lit

I'd rather be stung to death by a bunch of piss ants. ~Synola Harper, You're Busting My Nuptials

Anticipation tingled in my stomach: the kind of tingle that at first you don’t know if it’s a good tingle or a bad tingle – just a tingle.

It’s still all “ifs” “buts” and “maybes”.’ ‘Maybe, ’ I said. ‘But if what I’m saying is correct …

And then split his own cranium in half. I would like to see you do that yourself Blore. It would take some practice.

Meaning, yes -- I don't really exist except on the page or in the back of your brain. But if you think it's weird a fictional character's telling this story, you ain't seen what happened, yet.

Girls, we're fiction editors--we know how to plot, and we know how to cover our tracks. We can teach Jerry Key a lesson he'll never forget.

Don´t let egos get in the way to ruin your day. If someone holds their inflated ego, blow it away!

If there's anything worse in this world than a bad batch of babi guling, it's hindsight.

Word of advice - never ask a terrorist the question 'What would you do for a Klondike bar?'.

When you’re given the gift of truth, you spend a lot of time trying to tone it down because it is already offensive enough.

Oliver has stated many times his dislike of hearing advice from his younger sister, so it is his own fault if he has not got sense enough to see which way the wind is blowing.